I feel rejuvinated, like I am me again.  Since before the loss of Link, my intimate life seemed meant only for procreation.  But something has changed.  So,it's time for a self-analysis!  It has been so long so long since I have done one of these, but it is way over due.

It's funny how I feel that I can identify my emotional problems through this method of rambling, but I can.  Lately, my soul has felt undue turmoil, and because of the way things have gone this year, I can't seem to pinpoint where it started.  My feeling that it began on January 5, 2010.  If you have followed this blog, you know it is the day my son rejoined the Heavenly Father.

But all of the sudden, I feel a sense of peace; disappointment and sorrow seem to have flown the coop, even if temporarily.  I started reading a book on how to quit smoking and have been making a conscious effort to remind myself why smoking is horrible.  After weeks of suggestive conversation to Justin about my beliefs on reproduction, he agreed to let me go off birth control.  Further, I have not been taking my anti-depressant for several days.  On Sunday night (05/23/2010) I attended church in Eau Claire.  The week before that, I had been craving to read the bible, mainly proverbs.  One verse inspired me so much that I could not help write it out in calligraphy.  This morning, I took two vitamin B caplets, and then stupidly smoked a cigarette.

Back to intimacy, recently it has been for the pursuit of pleasure and for the purpose of sharing something beautiful with the man I love.  I have felt a greater desire in the last few weeks to be a woman that is pleasing to the Lord.  Frankly, I believe that my Heavenly Father is working within me, calling me gently back into his arms. I have no other way to explain my desire to be healthier, be a better mother, wife, sister, friend, and do everything good.

I know I am not a good person by my own nature, far from it, my short-comings and flaws surely outnumber the stars.  So why do I feel contentment; and where is this feeling generating from?  God has amazed me again; I went into that church service on Sunday night doubtful with a wall weak wall of defense that I thought was impenetrable.  Yet, two days later, I have found beauty in life once again.  I feel as if the root of my problems was in trying to live up to my impossible expectations on my own.  Ironically, the failure this leads to was the highlight of the young pastor's sermon on Sunday night.

I had grossly underestimated the power of the Lord's influence through that message.  Now there seems to be only one way to maintain this spiritual feeling.  Beyond my comprehension is the fact that the He has extended to me once again His love.  Truly the only way to success from here on out is through the strength of the Lord.

May the Lord bless all of you who have read this.  I hope that His peace will find you.

My Son,

My love for you will never die.  I want you to know that I have not given up on the aspirations I had for you and the girls.  I will continue to work towards getting a home, and educating your sisters from home.  I will continue too strive to make your father happy.

My soul was not made to serve me, but to serve the ones I love.  I was given a capacity to love that is amazing, I just did not realize it till I lost you.  I long to have one last child, and I pray everyday from morning to night that the time for that will arrive soon.  It is a decision I want to leave in the hands of the Lord, but the Lord seems to want the decision to be in the hands of your father.

One day, I will see you again, but for now I am needed here.  I pray that I can bring honor to your name and make you proud of me.  Since the day you were conceived, you have been a blessing to my soul; despite your absence from this world, you are not absent from my heart.

Love,

Your mother.

As of now, I am in between terms and switching majors.   The upcoming class I know I have looks to be more difficult than I would have guessed.  Though it is morning, it feels late.  I decided to attempt to stifle my smoking habit once and for all. only problem is, I can't sleep now.

Link, you are always with me in my heart. for you I would crush the world.  I love you son.

I am not lazy, but I do procrastinate.  One will often find me crocheting, playing with my kids, or doing some form of artwork.  I know that much of this time could be spent keeping my house immaculate and making sure not one drop of juice ever stained their clothes.  And though my three favorite hobbies may seem unproductive, I am planting in their minds memories that will shape their personalities.

One thing I do need to work on is patience.  I want the patience my grandmother shows for my girls, just two of many great grandchildren.  If I had half of the energy to entertain my children that my mother has, I would be great.  It seem like my girls are like a second chance for my mom to be a kid.

I love my children dearly.  They are the wondrous blessings the lord has given to me, in spite of myself.  I want to bring them up as godly women, but I have no clue where to start.  With a limited budget it is hard to be able to go to a church I agree with every week.  There are times when I feel so isolated in this tiny town house.  There are neighbors on both sides, with kids that run about happily.  But I would much rather spend the day at the park relaxing than stay by my apartment and play on the swings.  Why?

The answer to that question is this:  I love every little moment I have with them.  I have to cause my mind to see things from their p.o.v.  Children seem to have a sort of understanding of things, and are able to accept the things adults can not.  For instance, when Link passed away, they were sad but not constantly like I was.  They saw me cry, and learned about sorrow early in life.

I wish my heart was not an open wound.

To carry an individual soul within my womb, that is my desire.  With the loss of one precious pearl, I long for the chance to produce one more.

None will shine as brilliantly as the one I lost, for each one has its own special shimmer.  it is my hope that the Lord will speak to my husband's heart, and bless him with the desire to have another child.

Even in this despair and sorrow, the only thing i know to do is put my faith in my God, who will deliver me.

turmoil returns

Link,

My heart aches for you.  My arms long to hold you and my fingers long for the strong grip from  your little hands.  I thought my heart was done aching, but your absence from my life brings sorrow to my heart daily.  Now you would be five months old and possibly learning to roll over, much like your sister did at that age.  I long to see your smile and gaze lovingly into your eyes.  I long to hear your laughter and wipe away your tears.  I wish you were here with me, growling at the cats and basking in the springtime sun as the birds sing sweetly.  Yet I know with sad truth, that we can not share those moments together.  We can not celebrate your milestones, nor can I give you the comfort I have longed to give to you.

A feeling of failure and uselessness overcomes me when I see other mothers breastfeeding and talking sweetly to their babies.  I feel no envy, for those children are not mine, and are not nearly as precious to me as you and your sisters.  Oh my only son, why has fate been so cruel to me?  Why did the Lord give me such joy only to replace it with such deep sorrow?

I keep moving through life, accomplishing and creating new goals.  But nothing  I achieve is for myself, it is only for your father and sisters.  I have no feeling of value of love for myself.  I exist for others.  Oh that my soul could know the joy of having you here, but I feel only emptiness and gloom.  Though nothing I did caused your death, I feel that perhaps I committed some horrible act that must have angered the Lord to a degree that caused him to smite me with his rage.

I love you son.
God,

What, O Lord, have I done?  Were my sins so great, my perception so flawed that you felt the need to kill part of my very soul?  What was it, Father, that caused the life of my innocent son to be taken?  I know, Lord, that I am a vile human and a poor example of motherhood, but why should that have such horrid consequences for my children?  What has Trinity done to deserve such sorrow?  What has Serenity done to deserve such grief?  Are you punishing Justin for loving me and my first born?  Why have the ones I love been treated with such hatred?

I know, Lord, that your plans are greater than mine.  I know that life will improve if it is in your will.  After such a great loss, I can not see past the present hour.  My heart has become like stone and has sunk to the depths of my soul.  Happiness does not seem temporary or even faint.  There are moments when the wonder of your work takes my breath away and I can do nothing but sing your praises.  My daughters, my husband, and all the people I love are indeed a great blessing, perhaps I have received all the blessings you had planned on giving me.

Are my motives wrong, have I led nations astray?  Whom have I murdered?  Whose heart have I torn?  Answer me Lord, show me the transgressions that caused you to take my only son!  I tell you the truth, Father God, if it were not for my children....I believe that I would have ceased existing long ago.

This term has finally ended.  I must admit that I am not at my best academically, and I hope to high heaven that my gpa doesn't drop below honor roll requirements.  I will probably be on academic probation, so next term will have to work twice as hard to get things done well.

I am excited for the next term.  I had fun this term, despite my drop in grades.  I was more relaxed, and quitting work, made things a lot easier for me too.