I feel rejuvinated, like I am me again. Since before the loss of Link, my intimate life seemed meant only for procreation. But something has changed. So,it's time for a self-analysis! It has been so long so long since I have done one of these, but it is way over due.
It's funny how I feel that I can identify my emotional problems through this method of rambling, but I can. Lately, my soul has felt undue turmoil, and because of the way things have gone this year, I can't seem to pinpoint where it started. My feeling that it began on January 5, 2010. If you have followed this blog, you know it is the day my son rejoined the Heavenly Father.
But all of the sudden, I feel a sense of peace; disappointment and sorrow seem to have flown the coop, even if temporarily. I started reading a book on how to quit smoking and have been making a conscious effort to remind myself why smoking is horrible. After weeks of suggestive conversation to Justin about my beliefs on reproduction, he agreed to let me go off birth control. Further, I have not been taking my anti-depressant for several days. On Sunday night (05/23/2010) I attended church in Eau Claire. The week before that, I had been craving to read the bible, mainly proverbs. One verse inspired me so much that I could not help write it out in calligraphy. This morning, I took two vitamin B caplets, and then stupidly smoked a cigarette.
Back to intimacy, recently it has been for the pursuit of pleasure and for the purpose of sharing something beautiful with the man I love. I have felt a greater desire in the last few weeks to be a woman that is pleasing to the Lord. Frankly, I believe that my Heavenly Father is working within me, calling me gently back into his arms. I have no other way to explain my desire to be healthier, be a better mother, wife, sister, friend, and do everything good.
I know I am not a good person by my own nature, far from it, my short-comings and flaws surely outnumber the stars. So why do I feel contentment; and where is this feeling generating from? God has amazed me again; I went into that church service on Sunday night doubtful with a wall weak wall of defense that I thought was impenetrable. Yet, two days later, I have found beauty in life once again. I feel as if the root of my problems was in trying to live up to my impossible expectations on my own. Ironically, the failure this leads to was the highlight of the young pastor's sermon on Sunday night.
I had grossly underestimated the power of the Lord's influence through that message. Now there seems to be only one way to maintain this spiritual feeling. Beyond my comprehension is the fact that the He has extended to me once again His love. Truly the only way to success from here on out is through the strength of the Lord.
May the Lord bless all of you who have read this. I hope that His peace will find you.
