Little Link,

Today was productive; I got my old job back and will be starting again on the 23rd. I want to thank you, son, for the dream you sent me; it made me realize the reason I loved working as a C.N.A. When people are in their last stages of life, it is good for them to have someone who cares administer final cares with an attitude of respect. With that in mind, please forgive me for not holding you right away, the pain was just too great. I am sorry, but I know you understand.

I'm gaining faith again; faith in the future and in myself. Faith was something I thought had left with you. I now realize that though you did take a large part of my heart, you gave me a greater awareness of my capacity to love. Lord, how I miss you though. <3

I recently contacted a woman who has decided that she cannot be your aunt at this time. I sent her a message, and in reply, she very politely informed me that she was not comfortable dealing with a situation in which she would attain new family members....and that's okay. I imagine that, for years, she has either not known of my existence or has decided (like the father she and I share) that I am not worth knowing. It takes all types to make the world go round.

Yuki is doing fine, as are your big sisters, and Daddy. We are looking to re-locate so that we can have a dog, among other things. Daddy has his heart set on a little place down the road, and I am more open to other possibilities. I suppose one of the things you learned about me is that I do not have a wealth of patience. :) While Daddy is willing to wait for a more specific locale, I am a bit more irrational and let my lack of patience get the best of me. Everything will work out in the end, you know how Karma loves your father.

I'll talk a bit more about Yuki, if it suits you. First off, I'm scared. Loosing you was really very difficult, and I don't want to loose Yuki. I carry a hope with this pregnancy that I will have twins. I know you are aware that this is not a desire to see you re-born; but rather, a longing I have had for a while now.

I know that Yuki can feel my emotions; and that. . . lately. . . my moods have been more unpredictable than a hurricane. This unpredictability has a mix of sources. For example: I have tried to quit smoking, and as a master of excuses, have come up with a lot of reasons why I "can't." Among these reasons is the fact that I am no longer taking my prescribed (and much needed) anti-depressants because I'm afraid of causing harm to Yuki. I know that the cigarettes are just as bad (if not worse), yet I can't bring myself to let go of this cancerous emotional crutch.

I believe that everyone was in existence, and had lessons laid out for themselves, before their conception. What I'm trying to say is that every life has a purpose. I don't know what your specific purpose was/is, it must be beyond me; but I know that if you had intended to stay longer, you would still be here. By my logic, you know all of this already, because in heaven people contain all the knowledge (and more) that we could hope to compile here on earth. I ''tell" you things so I will never forget that your life was beautiful to me and many others here......that the reach of your tiny fingers has extended far beyond anything we could have imagined while you in my womb.


The lives you touched are those belonging to very good friends of ours, to family, co-workers, and individuals who are also in the last years of well-lived lives. I just don't want to ever forget that. I love you, my son.

Love,


Ma Ma