turmoil returns

Link,

My heart aches for you.  My arms long to hold you and my fingers long for the strong grip from  your little hands.  I thought my heart was done aching, but your absence from my life brings sorrow to my heart daily.  Now you would be five months old and possibly learning to roll over, much like your sister did at that age.  I long to see your smile and gaze lovingly into your eyes.  I long to hear your laughter and wipe away your tears.  I wish you were here with me, growling at the cats and basking in the springtime sun as the birds sing sweetly.  Yet I know with sad truth, that we can not share those moments together.  We can not celebrate your milestones, nor can I give you the comfort I have longed to give to you.

A feeling of failure and uselessness overcomes me when I see other mothers breastfeeding and talking sweetly to their babies.  I feel no envy, for those children are not mine, and are not nearly as precious to me as you and your sisters.  Oh my only son, why has fate been so cruel to me?  Why did the Lord give me such joy only to replace it with such deep sorrow?

I keep moving through life, accomplishing and creating new goals.  But nothing  I achieve is for myself, it is only for your father and sisters.  I have no feeling of value of love for myself.  I exist for others.  Oh that my soul could know the joy of having you here, but I feel only emptiness and gloom.  Though nothing I did caused your death, I feel that perhaps I committed some horrible act that must have angered the Lord to a degree that caused him to smite me with his rage.

I love you son.
God,

What, O Lord, have I done?  Were my sins so great, my perception so flawed that you felt the need to kill part of my very soul?  What was it, Father, that caused the life of my innocent son to be taken?  I know, Lord, that I am a vile human and a poor example of motherhood, but why should that have such horrid consequences for my children?  What has Trinity done to deserve such sorrow?  What has Serenity done to deserve such grief?  Are you punishing Justin for loving me and my first born?  Why have the ones I love been treated with such hatred?

I know, Lord, that your plans are greater than mine.  I know that life will improve if it is in your will.  After such a great loss, I can not see past the present hour.  My heart has become like stone and has sunk to the depths of my soul.  Happiness does not seem temporary or even faint.  There are moments when the wonder of your work takes my breath away and I can do nothing but sing your praises.  My daughters, my husband, and all the people I love are indeed a great blessing, perhaps I have received all the blessings you had planned on giving me.

Are my motives wrong, have I led nations astray?  Whom have I murdered?  Whose heart have I torn?  Answer me Lord, show me the transgressions that caused you to take my only son!  I tell you the truth, Father God, if it were not for my children....I believe that I would have ceased existing long ago.