Son,
Like no other pregnancy I had experienced before yours had the most impact. You had a personality that I could not fathom, a depth I could not perceive. I felt I knew you better than your sisters. During those nine months, there were the times I experienced when the classic anticipation and complaints of pregnancy would prevail; but more often than not there was the sense that you were special.
I was and am proud of you; but when you were here with me, so close to my soul, it was pure joy. I talked to you often and knew you understood what I was saying. You gave me the experience of having a son whom I could be real with and talk to on a level in which I do not even talk to your father. I could be truly real with you on all fronts and never needed to hide a thing from you.
Perhaps...that is why you aren't with us today. Once again, I admit, I have tried to distance myself from the current pregnancy. This reaction is out of fear of loosing something precious all over again.
So if, as you look down at your mama, you shake your head...please just understand. I know you do anyways.
I love you.
--Mommy
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
been a while
Hey Baby Boy,
I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3
You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.
Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.
I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.
To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.
At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.
Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.
Thank you Link. <3
I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3
You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.
Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.
I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.
To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.
At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.
Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.
Thank you Link. <3
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