been a while

Hey Baby Boy,

I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3

You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.

Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.

I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.

To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.

At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.

Thank you Link. <3