You were always Free

Son,

Like no other pregnancy I had experienced before yours had the most impact. You had a personality that I could not fathom, a depth I could not perceive. I felt I knew you better than your sisters. During those nine months, there were the times I experienced when the classic anticipation and complaints of pregnancy would prevail; but more often than not there was the sense that you were special.

I was and am proud of you; but when you were here with me, so close to my soul, it was pure joy. I talked to you often and knew you understood what I was saying. You gave me the experience of having a son whom I could be real with and talk to on a level in which I do not even talk to your father. I could be truly real with you on all fronts and never needed to hide a thing from you.

Perhaps...that is why you aren't with us today. Once again, I admit, I have tried to distance myself from the current pregnancy. This reaction is out of fear of loosing something precious all over again.

So if, as you look down at your mama, you shake your head...please just understand. I know you do anyways.

I love you.

--Mommy

been a while

Hey Baby Boy,

I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3

You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.

Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.

I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.

To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.

At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.

Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.

Thank you Link. <3

Distractions to eliminate.

Well my son, I write to you again about nothing in particular. We're settling into the new place quite nicely, and I hope Charlie will too.

Tonight I write to you about my new plan. I know you already understand it, but I feel the need to explain it for my self in detail. Yes, I realize that I will probably over-complicate things. Here are my biggest distractions, which I'm sure take large chunks of time away from my family as well as impair my ability to be a productive person.

1. Facebook
2. Randomly surfing the web.
3. Mt. Dew

All this stuff leads to me being completely lazy. So I must figure something out. Here are a list of possible solutions:

• Limit computer usage to the following:
• School Related activities
• Definition:
• seminars
• completing relevant research
• Assingments requiring computer use
• 5 minutes weekly on facebook (updating people on my pregnancy). 
• will obtain an egg timer specifically for this purpose.
• Checking e-mail once a day (@night)
• Processing Avon orders bi-weekly
• Paying bills bi-weekly
• Checking financial information p.r.n
• Do not drink pop in any form

Ok, so perhaps the plan is not that complicated. I just have to have Justin's help to keep me focused. I feel like I can do this.

Don't worry too much. I will still write to you, the only difference is that I will be using a pen. :) I would like to make a face book exception for Yuki...just to keep people updated. So I will permit myself one 5 minute excursion per week to do this.

Yuki is doing well.

Link,

As far as I can tell, Yuki is doing well. Yuki is still in there, and I take that to be a good thing. :D. On Thursday I will get to hear Yuki's heart beat for the first time, I'm going to record it for daddy and to be sure that we always have that memory. I'm sorry I didn't do that for you. I had meant to but...well I know you're not mad at me.

I have so much homework to do it's insane. I got most of software applications done...all I'm willing to do anyways. I have to do all the medical transcription between Monday and Tuesday. :P Not the most enjoyable thing, but oh well. My schedule is so crazy:

• Monday: finalization of the moving. MT homework. Work from 2pm to 9pm. MT homework. Justin needs to pick up your sisters while I'm at work.
• Tuesday: busting butt when I can on homework. Cleaning @ the old place. Getting Trin to School. Busting butt on homework.
• Wednesday: Cleaning @ the old place. Setting up my academic schedule around my work schedule. Trin to school. Homework. Unpacking. Work :P.
• Thursday: Cleaning @ old place. Class in the morning and evening. Unpacking, cleaning. homework.
• Friday: Unpacking. Cleaning. Work. Errand running ($$-either me or daddy). Homework
• Saturday: Cleaning. Unpacking. Pick up Charlie @ 12:00 pm. Getting to know Charlie. Cleaning @ old house. Homework
• Sunday: Visit from your Great Aunt Tammy. Cleaning @ old house--final day. Alone with Charlie, no kids, no Justin. Solo. Homework

It goes from there. I have to schedule play time outside for the girls and Mr. Charlie. I like to be busy.

I love you baby boy,

Mama

Your Birthday is Comming

Link,

In less than 4 months it will be your birthday. I want to have a balloon realease event. I want to use bio-degradable baloons, so I don't have to worry too much about the clean up. I miss you son, and though you're not on earth, I will still celebrate your life. Probably on January 4, 2011, for in that way, I will honor your life, and the focus will not be on your death. You have my eternal love.

<3,

Mommy

Link,

We will be moving soon, I hope. On Saturday we're going to look at a new apartment, one with a yard and where we can have a dog. I have been negotiating it for about a week. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to the next trimester of being pregnant with Yuki.

It is my sincere hope that we will be able to adopt Charlie. I've been eye-balling him for over a month now. I hope when we go to meet him that he is what I've imagined, otherwise, I do have a back up plan. The main thing I'm going to have to do is get a note of permission from my new land-lord-to-be, stating his pet policy. I want to adopt from a shelter because it's pretty much a guarantee of health.

I love you son.

<3 Mommy

Little Link,

Today was productive; I got my old job back and will be starting again on the 23rd. I want to thank you, son, for the dream you sent me; it made me realize the reason I loved working as a C.N.A. When people are in their last stages of life, it is good for them to have someone who cares administer final cares with an attitude of respect. With that in mind, please forgive me for not holding you right away, the pain was just too great. I am sorry, but I know you understand.

I'm gaining faith again; faith in the future and in myself. Faith was something I thought had left with you. I now realize that though you did take a large part of my heart, you gave me a greater awareness of my capacity to love. Lord, how I miss you though. <3

I recently contacted a woman who has decided that she cannot be your aunt at this time. I sent her a message, and in reply, she very politely informed me that she was not comfortable dealing with a situation in which she would attain new family members....and that's okay. I imagine that, for years, she has either not known of my existence or has decided (like the father she and I share) that I am not worth knowing. It takes all types to make the world go round.

Yuki is doing fine, as are your big sisters, and Daddy. We are looking to re-locate so that we can have a dog, among other things. Daddy has his heart set on a little place down the road, and I am more open to other possibilities. I suppose one of the things you learned about me is that I do not have a wealth of patience. :) While Daddy is willing to wait for a more specific locale, I am a bit more irrational and let my lack of patience get the best of me. Everything will work out in the end, you know how Karma loves your father.

I'll talk a bit more about Yuki, if it suits you. First off, I'm scared. Loosing you was really very difficult, and I don't want to loose Yuki. I carry a hope with this pregnancy that I will have twins. I know you are aware that this is not a desire to see you re-born; but rather, a longing I have had for a while now.

I know that Yuki can feel my emotions; and that. . . lately. . . my moods have been more unpredictable than a hurricane. This unpredictability has a mix of sources. For example: I have tried to quit smoking, and as a master of excuses, have come up with a lot of reasons why I "can't." Among these reasons is the fact that I am no longer taking my prescribed (and much needed) anti-depressants because I'm afraid of causing harm to Yuki. I know that the cigarettes are just as bad (if not worse), yet I can't bring myself to let go of this cancerous emotional crutch.

I believe that everyone was in existence, and had lessons laid out for themselves, before their conception. What I'm trying to say is that every life has a purpose. I don't know what your specific purpose was/is, it must be beyond me; but I know that if you had intended to stay longer, you would still be here. By my logic, you know all of this already, because in heaven people contain all the knowledge (and more) that we could hope to compile here on earth. I ''tell" you things so I will never forget that your life was beautiful to me and many others here......that the reach of your tiny fingers has extended far beyond anything we could have imagined while you in my womb.


The lives you touched are those belonging to very good friends of ours, to family, co-workers, and individuals who are also in the last years of well-lived lives. I just don't want to ever forget that. I love you, my son.

Love,


Ma Ma