Sad Gratitude

Last night, as I was out back smoking a cigarette with my husband, my little angel came into my mind.  My train of thoughts about him could not be redirected.  As always, I ended up dwelling on how immensly I love him.  I began to sway gently from side-to-side in the same way I did when he was with me.  At that moment, the part of me that I have tried to force to be numb since January became red and inflammed with the pain of longing.

The little sensations of kicks of silent protest he used to give me, were so well remembered that I could've sworn he was still there.  I used to rock him gently like that, talking and singing to him in moments where the world would fade around us and all that existed was a mother and her only son.  It was at those times where I would wish I could see through the bulging, stretched skin into my uterus, so I could see his face.

On the day he passed away, I spent the night as a walking coffin at home.  But I'm glad I got those last precious moments of pregnancy, even if his soul wasn't there.  Because it was the last time he was so physically close to me, and it was a special good-bye.

Link has changed me forever, for the better.  His death, which was only a solitary moment in his life, is continually outweighed by his life and the sheer joy we experienced together in every moment.  So the fact that he died, and is not here with me physically, is bitter-sweet.  Bitter because he and I can not enjoy the same kind of relationship I have with my daughters, sweet because he changed my very perception of reality and of all the things in my life.  Though he was here so briefly, the very fact that he was here changed everything in my life.  I feel I am turning into a more empathetic and caring person as a result of loosing him.  I see positive changes where, before, only thistles existed.  The growth of my new personna is amazing and is a prettier plant, with more grace.

If Link hadn't died, that would've been wonderful.  I wish every moment that he was here with his sisters, father, and I; they feel the same way.  But because he did pass away, I began to search for God again.  God has made his love and comfort extremely clear.  He is the reason I am able to carry on and not let grief overcome my soul.  Any strength, physical, emotional, or otherwise, is only because it is given to me graciously.  I can not take credit for any of it, to do so would be....plagiarizing.... and badly.  So when I think about my son, and the impact he has on my life, I am grateful.  It is a beautiful mix of gratitude combined with sorrow, with a core of pure love.

Sorry...I tend to rant.  Thanks for reading.

Learning After Loss

I am supposed to post something on my blog this week.  I think I'll write about being in college online. 

I've been with Kaplan University since March 2009.  It's a decent university.  I guess I have nothing to compare it to, since I've never been in any other college; but it's pretty nice.  It took a while to get used to, but I'm making it.

Kaplan has a nice thing they do if you're in the Honor Roll.  Every term you pass with acceptable honor-rol grades, they send you a certificate.  I have at least three now.  In the aftermath of loosing my son, it's hard to get things done.  I'm more emotional than I used to be, and less focused.  I took a three month leave of absence towards the end of my pregnancy, so I would have ample time to become accustomed to having three children.

The Lord had other plans and it turned out the leave of absence was still just as necessary.  After three months away from such a rigourous education schedule, however, it's hard to adjust.  I go in and out of keeping a to do list and schedules, and things have been "last minute."  I know I will get back on track, but it will take time.  My goal for this term is to pass with grades that maintain my status as an Honor Roll student.

I feel overwhelmed a lot though.  I have house-hold duties, two active children, a husband, a cat, and work.  Then there is coursework.  It has been so hard this week to have to tell my children I have to do school work instead of play.  I've also been sick this week and there were two days where I could not do anything.  My husband had to stay home from work because I couldn't even care for my girls.

Now it's a rush to get two projects done, discussion boards, and prepare for the next unit.  I also have to fit in a work-out routine, in order to keep my promise to Link.

staying in line

I've been slacking.  For the last week and a half, I've been forgetting to make my to-do lists.  They really make a difference, you know.  I work, have two living children, a husband, house work, and school work.  If I slack off for even one day, I see a huge difference in the way the house looks, the way the kids act, and the length of my attention span.

It may seem like a trivial thing, but if I don't stay on top of things, I am defaulting on part of my promise to Link.  Another thing I'm a bit worried about is finding the time to complete the community service requirements for staying in the honor roll.  I was thinking about signing up for church clean up.  In that way, I'd be helping my church while keeping my requirements up.

In other news, I finally got the information for my sponsored child in Chile.  Little Gillian is a beautiful 3 year old.  Her father is only 18 and her mother is only 17.  They've got a hard life.  I hope that my sponsorship is actually helping.  If she ever gets a sibling, I'll seriously consider sponsoring that child too.  Aside from the monthly sponsorship fee, I also send her money for her birthday and other holidays.

Well, that's about all for now, I've got a list of things to continue on with.

Research Tied to Life

I'm doing research on something pertaining to homeschooling for our College Composition II class.  See, I am seriously considering homeschooling my daughters for most of their educational childhood.  In this way, I can give them a wholesome, positive environment in which to grow and learn.

Now, you might be wondering how this pertains to anything healthcare or medically related.  I'm sure you've heard of ADD and ADHD, right?  Well, when I was a child, I was diagnosed with ADD.  So my goal is to find out how beneficial homeschooling is to children with ADD.  I want to know which environment will be better for my daughter, who I'm sure has ADD.

By combining my genuine interest in this matter with academic course requirements, I am tackling two things at once.  First, my thirst for knowledge about homeschooling children with ADD will be satisfied, and the research for my final project will be completed.  The benifit of this combination is that my passion and enthusiasism for this topic will motivate me to complete the project with extra attention to detail.  I will become well-versed in the subject, and my writing in the paper will carry the tone of confidence in a job well done.

Patience the hard way.

Dueteronomy 30:20
"Choose to love the Lord your God, and to obey Him and cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days.  You will then be able to live safely in the land the Lord promised your ancestors, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob."

Psalm 139:11-18
"If I try to hide in darkness, the night becomes light around me.  For even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines bright as day.  Darkness and light are both alike to you.  You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  It is amazing to think about.  Your workmanship is marvelous---and how well I know it.  You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion!  You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe.  Every day was recorded in your book.  How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly!  I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me.  And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me!"

Life and creation, in all it's forms is so precious.  As a mother blessed with three beautiful children, one of the most precious forms of life can be seen daily.  Each one of my children was crafted perfectly by God in my womb.  Each pregnancy was a blessing and a gift.

Women were given the amazing gift of being able to bear children; to nuture human life in it's purest and most innocent form.  I can not tell you with words how amazing that is to me.  I was allowed to carry the body and soul of another human being within my own body.  I see that as a great privelege, a special honor bestowed upon me by God.

So my children, all of them, are more precious to me than wealth, fame, and even my own life.  Knowing this, why is it that I have started smoking again?  I wish I knew the answer.  I just know, that since last night, I realized how horribly I am desecrating my body by smoking.  It's like taking a crap on God's creation.  I think I'll quit again.

Part of the promise I made to Link was to be healthy so that hopefully, God would give me the oppertunity to hold another newborn of my own.  I know that I took for granted the time I was given with Link and didn't realize 'til I lost him how precious every moment of a pregnancy is.  From conception to the day they die, my children are precious to me.  They are beautiful gifts from the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg.

I took for granted the complexity and miracle of pregnancy.  I took for granted the fact that it was truly an honor to carry my son.  I can not believe my ignorance, my failure to realize how quickly he could be taken from me.  I pray that if ever I am given the honor of carrying another baby, that I will be patient enough to throughly enjoy every blessed moment and not be in a rush to give birth (no matter how uncomfortable I am).  I pray that I will have the peice of mind to let nature take it's course, and not do things like get my membranes stripped.....

I have become more patient since loosing Link.  I have become less judgmental and more thankful for every day.  He has taught me the frailty of human life and that life can only be lived to the fullest if it is being lived for the Lord.

Lessons from Laundry

I was doing laundry today and something hit me.  It was out of no where, and it was wonderful.  There is love in death.  I believe that when I die, then in an instant, my soul will go to the same place my soon resides now; I will be completley gone from this world and only a shell made of dust will remain.  None-the-less, the act of death has a tremendous inpact in every way on the people involved in the deceased's life.

Well what the laundry taught me about death and life was the beauty of how intertwinded life and death are.  I was hanging up my clothes to dry on a drying rack, and I was amazed how many pairs of socks and underwear, and other small articles of clothing took up space compared to the relativley small amount of space on the rack that the larger clothing items took up.  It made me realize the importance of small things in our lives, and how often we take them for granted.  Can you imagine your wardrobe without underwear or socks?  Pretty ridiculous and non-functional if you ask me.

In the same way the "little" things in other areas of our life are taken for granted, until we loose them.  This is how there is the possibility for there to be love in death.  Link's death is making me realize just how much I really love everyone in my life, how precious the people in my life are.  I can not imagine my life without the residents in the nursing home I provide care for; every single elderly person I have cared for has impacted my personal life in a positive way, even in their death.  I can not imagine my life without my children, because more than anything in life, they are most precious to me.  Life without my husband, my brother, my mother, co-workers, and cat----everything God has blessed me with---would not be anywhere near as enjoyable as it is now without the personalities they were given.

I truly love these people--and my cat--for who they are.  I would not ask them to be anyone other than themselves, with all their flaws; because if I did that, the some part of the beauty and wonder in my life would be gone forever.  Yes, there are times when I complain that I wish someone would change someone in their personality, but I never truly mean it (unless that factor brings harm to themselves or others).

Even the guy that lived on my couch for a year, is important.  This man annoyed every fiber of my being 90% of the time he was here.  He had some gross habits, and did not really practice the best hygiene.  When he finally stopped living with us, I swore that I would never, never, NEVER let him live with us ever again.  Today I realized that if he truly needed somewhere to go, and had absolutley no where else he could go, I would not be able to turn him away.

So when remember the little things about the loved ones that have passed on, you start to notice the little things about other people that you love.  Suddenly, your world becomes beautiful beyond measure, because you finally start to realize how much love you actually have in your life.  You finally realize how much God has blessed you.  That is what the laundry taught me today.

I coppied myself, with a reference!

Aside from this blog, I also write on another site called http://www.dailystrength.com/ .  I'm on there as linksmama.  Today mark Link's first month of age.  Last night I had an experience that brought me great comfort.  I wanted to share it here as well, so I copied it from there.  At the risk of being accused of "plaigiarizing"  I will include a reference in APA format.

Revelation 22:17
"The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come.' Let each one who hears them say the same, 'Come.' Let the thirsty one come---anyone who wants to; let him come and drink the Water of Life without charge."
My son is drinking the water of life. He is in the arms of Jesus, safe and secure.

Last night I was outside smoking a ciggarette and talking to Link. I said to him, "Link, I love you and I miss you. I want you to know that if you ever feel like comming around here and letting me know you are here, you are more than welcome."

No sooner had I said that then I heard a coyote howl and a gentle winter breeze blow across my face. In one game in the series of Zelda games, there is a wolf. You get to play as a wolf during certain parts of the game. The main character in the game is named Link. Link turns into a wolf and can even howl.

I believe my baby boy was talking to me on the very anniversary of his death. I know he loves me like I love him. My precious angel is truly watching me.

Reference:

Sayyah, H. (2010, Jan 6). Link's Presence, God's Love. Linksmama, Journal. Retrieved January 6, 2010 from DailyStrength.org :  http://www.dailystrength.org/people/462163/journal

Today is going to be a long day. Aside from my household duties and school work, I have appointments to keep and errands to run. My husband wants to start a business venture, and I have to help him with that. I have to do the research for him.

Link would be one month old today. Yesterday, to honor his memory, I decided to sponsor a child through Children International. I'll be getting that information fairly soon in the mail.

I'm also waiting for my creamation pendants. I want to be able to take Link with me where ever I go, and that will be the way to do it.

Revisiting January 5th and 6th

Today is the one month anniversary of Link's death.  One month ago today, my little boy was called home to be with God.  That was a horrible day for me, the dreams I had of raising a little boy were shattered in an instant.  My husband and I shared sorrow and disbelief, holding eachother in our tears.

Afther the clinic confirmed his death, I was scheduled to be induced to deliver my dead child the next morning.  I was sent home a walking coffin.  When I got home, I gave my girls more hugs and kisses than they knew what to with.  They knew I was sad, but they didn't know why because I couldn't bring myself to tell them yet.  That night I couldn't sleep, though I tried.  I kept praying to God, pleading with him that all of this was a misunderstanding and that my baby would start moving again.

I gave up on sleep and started cleaning and doing laundry.  At the hospital, we were admitted at the same time as another pregnant woman.  I tried my best to act as if nothing was wrong, but I couldn't do anything except frown.  When we got to the room where I would deliver my son, I broke down again.  I was started on progesterone and then the wait began.  When the contractions started getting more difficult, I requested my epidural.  I was determined not to feel anything because I was not going to give birth to a live child.

Shortly before the time came to push, the epidural wore off and there was no point in administering more.  So I felt every contraction, felt the "ring of fire."  It was horrible, the pain was two-fold because there was so much emotional pain there too.  I yelled out loud, to no one in particular, "It's not fair, it's not fair!  He's dead, he's dead!  I shouldn't have to feel this pain!"

After maybe five or ten minutes of pushing, my son came out, and as with the birth of his siblings, the physical pain went away.  I saw his beautiful face, and couldn't help but smile.  My love for him intensified beyond belief, and it was the same love I felt when his sisters were born.  It was a moment filled with sorrow and joy.  Finally, I was able to see my little man.

He was 7lbs, 7oz, much smaller than his sister Serenity, who was 9 lbs.  He was more precious than I ever imagined, and looked more like his father than I had thought.  He had the softest brown hair, and the most adorable little feet.  I was so amazed at his beauty and perfection.  After he had been cleaned up a little, I held him for the longest time, taking in every feature.  Finally I decided the time had come for me to let him go.  Tearfully, I asked the nurse to dress him in the outfit I had picked for him and the hat I made for him.  After she did this, she handed him back to me.  I held him and talked to him for a while longer, then gave him to the nurse who cradled him gently in her arms and carried him out of the room.

My husband and I consoled eachother and cried together for the one millionth time.  Then he had to go home because he had to get back to take care of the girls.  I spent the rest of the night in the hospital alone.  At first I was unable to sleep because of my sorrow, and then my body finally surrendered to exhaustion.  In that sleep, my son came to me.  He was alive and well.  His beautiful brown eyes sparkled with joy as he kicked and wiggled.  There was a sense of great peace where he was, and he seemed happy.  Along with the peace and tranquility, there was the understanding that it was not my fault and I knew he loved me dearly.  I wanted to stay there with him so badly, but I woke up.

I know that my son is in the arms of the Lord.  I know that he loves me.  I know that I will see him agian, but for now, I need to fulfill my promise to him.  If only I rely on the Lord, I will keep this promise.

memorial for Link

I want to do something special to honor my son.  Like donate to a charity in his name.  I will figure something out.  I thought about sponsoring a child through children international or something.

I just want everyone to know I have a son, even though he's in heaven.

Here's a picture of my girls.  This is an old picture, but it's one of my favorite photos.

I'm excited about shool.  Despite everything, I feel excitement.  I'm amazed that I can feel anything at all....

I tried to get into the KU library to get my reading assingments, but since I'm returning from LOA, I can't get in for some reason.  I went on LOA so that I would have a break when I gave birth, thinking that I was going to have a newborn to care for in addition to my girls.  Sometimes things don't work out the way I plan.

This term at Kaplan, I'm taking College Composition II and Anatomy and Physiology II.  Anatomy is my second honors class.  I was looking at the final project requirements and I hope I can rise to the challenge, as long as I remember to pray.

If you are a classmate and reading this blog, please be advised that I use writing to express my emotions freely.  There may be posts with scripture in them, there may be posts where I seem completley depressed.  I may post pictures of my son, who is in the arms of the Lord.  If this bothers you, then I will ask you respectfully not to read my blog and not to post hurtful remarks.  Such remarks will be deleted and reported; I do not need to have my emotions assulted by people I do not know on a personal basis.

I apologize if I seem defensive, but I am going through something extremely difficult.

In other news, I just got a call from the school that my oldest daughter is shivering.  This makes me laugh because Trin likes to fake shivering.  She will make her teeth chatter and make her shivering noise.  She does this at home all the time.  I know she's faking because the rest of her body isn't shivering.  She is such a weird child, but I love her more every day.  My children, all three of them, are my joy in life.  You may ask, how can your son be a joy in your life?  Well, the answer is simple.  I had him with me for nine precious months.  When I finally got to see his beautiful face, I still loved him and was proud of his beauty.

He brings me joy because when he was alive, he had such a sweet playful personality.  The memories I have of him are priceless and they make me smile through the pain.

When I gave birth to my son I made a big promise as I held his lifeless little body. I promised him that I would do my best to be strong for his sisters and for Justin. I promised him that I would make a real effort to take better care of myself, the house, and my girls. I also promised him that I would finish school and do my best to eventually own a house.

Link passed away while I was still carrying him on January 5, 2010. He was stillborn the next day. He died because his umbilical cord had gotten wound tightly around his neck. He died six days before I was going to get induced to have him.

Since the Lord called him home, every day has been a struggle. I struggle against the urge to cry at random times. I struggle to show genuine joy during moments that should be filled with laughter. I fight to bottle up the pain, but it spills out at night when the house is silent and my family sleeps.

I seek the Lord to find peace, and often find it there. There are times when it seems God is trying to distance himself, and those moments are the hardest. Really, it's me causing the distance because my hurting heart becomes hard. But eventually, his love penetrates and I feel his comfort.

Before I lost my son, I was foolish in my assumptions and my vision was clouded with ignorant pride. I assummed that I was going to give birth to a living child. I assummed that nothing bad would ever happen to him because I always had healthy pregnancies. I assummed too much.

I feel like a part of me died with Link, and that the emptiness will never be replaced.  Despite the fact that he was stillborn, I still felt the same unstoppable rush of love for him that I felt when I delivered my girls. He was perfect and beautiful. It was one of those bitter-sweet moments of life.

Someday, I will get to hold my son. On that day, he will be alive and healthy, I will hear his voice and get to look into his eyes for the first time. On that day, I will praise and give thanks to God for his wonderful faithfulness and love. Link is in a place now where he knows no pain, no sorrow, no hate. He is in the arms of Jesus, the best arms to be.