Patience the hard way.

Dueteronomy 30:20
"Choose to love the Lord your God, and to obey Him and cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days.  You will then be able to live safely in the land the Lord promised your ancestors, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob."

Psalm 139:11-18
"If I try to hide in darkness, the night becomes light around me.  For even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines bright as day.  Darkness and light are both alike to you.  You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  It is amazing to think about.  Your workmanship is marvelous---and how well I know it.  You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion!  You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe.  Every day was recorded in your book.  How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly!  I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me.  And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me!"

Life and creation, in all it's forms is so precious.  As a mother blessed with three beautiful children, one of the most precious forms of life can be seen daily.  Each one of my children was crafted perfectly by God in my womb.  Each pregnancy was a blessing and a gift.

Women were given the amazing gift of being able to bear children; to nuture human life in it's purest and most innocent form.  I can not tell you with words how amazing that is to me.  I was allowed to carry the body and soul of another human being within my own body.  I see that as a great privelege, a special honor bestowed upon me by God.

So my children, all of them, are more precious to me than wealth, fame, and even my own life.  Knowing this, why is it that I have started smoking again?  I wish I knew the answer.  I just know, that since last night, I realized how horribly I am desecrating my body by smoking.  It's like taking a crap on God's creation.  I think I'll quit again.

Part of the promise I made to Link was to be healthy so that hopefully, God would give me the oppertunity to hold another newborn of my own.  I know that I took for granted the time I was given with Link and didn't realize 'til I lost him how precious every moment of a pregnancy is.  From conception to the day they die, my children are precious to me.  They are beautiful gifts from the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg.

I took for granted the complexity and miracle of pregnancy.  I took for granted the fact that it was truly an honor to carry my son.  I can not believe my ignorance, my failure to realize how quickly he could be taken from me.  I pray that if ever I am given the honor of carrying another baby, that I will be patient enough to throughly enjoy every blessed moment and not be in a rush to give birth (no matter how uncomfortable I am).  I pray that I will have the peice of mind to let nature take it's course, and not do things like get my membranes stripped.....

I have become more patient since loosing Link.  I have become less judgmental and more thankful for every day.  He has taught me the frailty of human life and that life can only be lived to the fullest if it is being lived for the Lord.