When I gave birth to my son I made a big promise as I held his lifeless little body. I promised him that I would do my best to be strong for his sisters and for Justin. I promised him that I would make a real effort to take better care of myself, the house, and my girls. I also promised him that I would finish school and do my best to eventually own a house.

Link passed away while I was still carrying him on January 5, 2010. He was stillborn the next day. He died because his umbilical cord had gotten wound tightly around his neck. He died six days before I was going to get induced to have him.

Since the Lord called him home, every day has been a struggle. I struggle against the urge to cry at random times. I struggle to show genuine joy during moments that should be filled with laughter. I fight to bottle up the pain, but it spills out at night when the house is silent and my family sleeps.

I seek the Lord to find peace, and often find it there. There are times when it seems God is trying to distance himself, and those moments are the hardest. Really, it's me causing the distance because my hurting heart becomes hard. But eventually, his love penetrates and I feel his comfort.

Before I lost my son, I was foolish in my assumptions and my vision was clouded with ignorant pride. I assummed that I was going to give birth to a living child. I assummed that nothing bad would ever happen to him because I always had healthy pregnancies. I assummed too much.

I feel like a part of me died with Link, and that the emptiness will never be replaced.  Despite the fact that he was stillborn, I still felt the same unstoppable rush of love for him that I felt when I delivered my girls. He was perfect and beautiful. It was one of those bitter-sweet moments of life.

Someday, I will get to hold my son. On that day, he will be alive and healthy, I will hear his voice and get to look into his eyes for the first time. On that day, I will praise and give thanks to God for his wonderful faithfulness and love. Link is in a place now where he knows no pain, no sorrow, no hate. He is in the arms of Jesus, the best arms to be.