My son is an angel, with wings that are blue,
They shine and glimmer with their silvery hue.
Love eternal, never to fade,
more brilliant than perfect jade.
With eyes of blue, or maybe brown,
Which I don't know, so I will try not to frown.
While you were here, my heart was filled with cheer,
So I cling to the good times, and calmly listen to the wind chimes.
Someday, perhaps, I will sing a lullaby,
and hold you in my arms, and never say goodbye.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm comming out of a dark place... and I love it! I got a great deal of work done for the pattio garden I'm planning. I got caught up on the course work for this week, and can not wait to see the improvement in my grades!
I am wearing Link's necklace and talking with him again. He has crossed over, but we are still close.
The past few days, I've not been feeling the best, nauseated at strange times, ect. Somewhat like morning sickness, however the possibility of me being pregnant is slim because I have been on birth control for nearly four months and have been having my period as normal. Aside from that, I don't want get myself hopeful about the prospect of being pregnant right now, because I would be very depressed if I found out I wasn't.
On to better subjects! I am hoping to move to the country. Only time will tell if this will happen, and only if it is in the Lord's will. I am prayiing for it, but even if it doesn't happen, everything will be ok because my shelter is found under the wings of the Lord.
I am wearing Link's necklace and talking with him again. He has crossed over, but we are still close.
The past few days, I've not been feeling the best, nauseated at strange times, ect. Somewhat like morning sickness, however the possibility of me being pregnant is slim because I have been on birth control for nearly four months and have been having my period as normal. Aside from that, I don't want get myself hopeful about the prospect of being pregnant right now, because I would be very depressed if I found out I wasn't.
On to better subjects! I am hoping to move to the country. Only time will tell if this will happen, and only if it is in the Lord's will. I am prayiing for it, but even if it doesn't happen, everything will be ok because my shelter is found under the wings of the Lord.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Victorious
I'm sitting in the bathroom upstaris. The girls are taking a bath and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. It's all good though. I've come to realize that despite my recent procrastination in class, it is only due to me learning to adjust to no longer working on the weekends.
For nearly three weeks straight, I had no reliable access to my classes. When it comes to academic work, I must admit I enjoy it thouroughly. I love the writing process, the research, and best of all, the feeling of turning in an assingment that I have put my heart into.
Despite my recent procrastination, I am determined to set up a solid schedule with which to manage my life. I dream of an organized house, happy kids, a happy husband, and re-instating my honor-roll status. The house and kids aspect of this simple dream will take a while, but the academic side has a deadline that must not and cannot be ignored. In a series of sleepless nights, I will accomplish my academic goal.
So, I will let the clothes pile up a bit more, and the dishes sit in the sink. For the future of my family and I is not dependent on whether or not the disshes get done or the floors get vacuumed daily. Working towards a better future is the best thing I can do to preserve my sanity and my confidence right now.
For nearly three weeks straight, I had no reliable access to my classes. When it comes to academic work, I must admit I enjoy it thouroughly. I love the writing process, the research, and best of all, the feeling of turning in an assingment that I have put my heart into.
Despite my recent procrastination, I am determined to set up a solid schedule with which to manage my life. I dream of an organized house, happy kids, a happy husband, and re-instating my honor-roll status. The house and kids aspect of this simple dream will take a while, but the academic side has a deadline that must not and cannot be ignored. In a series of sleepless nights, I will accomplish my academic goal.
So, I will let the clothes pile up a bit more, and the dishes sit in the sink. For the future of my family and I is not dependent on whether or not the disshes get done or the floors get vacuumed daily. Working towards a better future is the best thing I can do to preserve my sanity and my confidence right now.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tonight I will rock the rough draft. My intellect will consume the discussion board, and I will be astounding. The power in my mind will blast away ignorance.
I rock.
____
Sometimes, when the world is attempting to crush me, I push back and crush it. In other words, when the centipede with its legs of self-pity, self-doubt, and self-hatred creep up on me, I smash it by talking myself up. Because I was beautifuly and wonderfully made, by a Great Being who sculpted me with love.
I rock.
____
Sometimes, when the world is attempting to crush me, I push back and crush it. In other words, when the centipede with its legs of self-pity, self-doubt, and self-hatred creep up on me, I smash it by talking myself up. Because I was beautifuly and wonderfully made, by a Great Being who sculpted me with love.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Reaching out my arm, I always get burned. But the honest truth is this: I rock.
Yup. I rock. Why? Look at my family, the most beautiful girls in the world and an incredibly sexy man. My son is perfect, heck, he even has wings. My brother is the DaVinci of dragon art, my sister the magesty of manga. The people I have embraced are true and real, trusting themselves and trusting me; knowing they will be accepted, so long as they don't push me away (for I will not disown them either).
I know I have my flaws. But I also am a truly honest person. I will let you know gently if you bother me. With grace, I let offenses slide off my shoulders. Yet, if I have deemed you worthy of my confidence, it is beneficial to not cross the line. It isn't often that I am saddened by another's actions, but when this sort of dissappointment is brought about, it is the result of a lack of empathy on the other person's part.
How is it possible for a person to claim the virtue of honesty? Even the best of men will lie. What is this thing called honesty? What gives a soul the desire to seek and portray the truth through their actions? Love. The love given to undeserving souls such as us, is a priceless gift to be honored.
An acquaintance of mine once said that to love others fully, you must learn to love yourself. This is a fallacy. I know this, because I love many people with every fiber of my soul. But I also despise myself and the potential I have within me to be wicked. What I do love about myself is the person I am becomming by allowing myself to surrender to the great love of the Creator.
Yup. I rock. Why? Look at my family, the most beautiful girls in the world and an incredibly sexy man. My son is perfect, heck, he even has wings. My brother is the DaVinci of dragon art, my sister the magesty of manga. The people I have embraced are true and real, trusting themselves and trusting me; knowing they will be accepted, so long as they don't push me away (for I will not disown them either).
I know I have my flaws. But I also am a truly honest person. I will let you know gently if you bother me. With grace, I let offenses slide off my shoulders. Yet, if I have deemed you worthy of my confidence, it is beneficial to not cross the line. It isn't often that I am saddened by another's actions, but when this sort of dissappointment is brought about, it is the result of a lack of empathy on the other person's part.
How is it possible for a person to claim the virtue of honesty? Even the best of men will lie. What is this thing called honesty? What gives a soul the desire to seek and portray the truth through their actions? Love. The love given to undeserving souls such as us, is a priceless gift to be honored.
An acquaintance of mine once said that to love others fully, you must learn to love yourself. This is a fallacy. I know this, because I love many people with every fiber of my soul. But I also despise myself and the potential I have within me to be wicked. What I do love about myself is the person I am becomming by allowing myself to surrender to the great love of the Creator.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm trying to organize my thoughts. I have to get on the ball.
I am getting there and the rebound is going to happen. I guess I've been distracted by life. I stopped using cleaning as an outlet to numb the pain. Now I'm constantly wanting to be with my kids, and around kids. :)
Bitter-sweet, I guess.
Anyways, I'm posting to do some more free writing on my research papers.
College Composition II
My subject for this is AD/HD. This disorder has changed dramatically since it was first "discovered." As a mother, student, and wife with a history of AD/HD as a child, my personal viewpoint is one of acceptance rather than anger. My "disorder" causes me to get distracted quite easily, however not by things you would guess. When I tackle a task, I get very involved in the details. This is espically true in the case of writing. I love to write, I get enjoyment from it. Research papers are one of my favorite things about college because it allows me to exploit my over-attention to minute details. I start by doing very through research and taking detailed notes on each source I plan to use in my paper. As I collect sources, the first thing I do is write out a reference in APA format. I then compile my notes into a rough outline and then a second outline. I carve out the unnecessary info and add more where needed to create a final outline in which I site each point and sub-point according to APA standards.
After the outline is done, I begin the rough draft. I always hand write the rough draft because it allows me to view all my electronic resources without jumpin between fifty different windows. After the initial rough draft is done, I read it out loud to check sentence flow and structure. This also helps to catch grammatical errors before I begin typing the final paper.
Once the old-fashioned editing is done, I begin typing up a rough draft on my computer. I then read through it out loud again to ensure there are no run-on sentences or simple grammatical or spelling errors. Once the paper is revised an I am satisfied (or uninterested) in the paper, I check the formatting and chizzle it down to APA standards. Finally, after I check the formatting, I read the paper out loud AGAIN. This final reading helps me to make sure everything matches Kaplan's standards....and mine too.
Done with the paper, I sit back and relax until my books for the next term come. Then it's back to the academic grindstone.
The down side to all this perfectionism is that it takes me a very, very long time to complete assingments. Because of this, everything seems "last minute."
I am getting there and the rebound is going to happen. I guess I've been distracted by life. I stopped using cleaning as an outlet to numb the pain. Now I'm constantly wanting to be with my kids, and around kids. :)
Bitter-sweet, I guess.
Anyways, I'm posting to do some more free writing on my research papers.
College Composition II
My subject for this is AD/HD. This disorder has changed dramatically since it was first "discovered." As a mother, student, and wife with a history of AD/HD as a child, my personal viewpoint is one of acceptance rather than anger. My "disorder" causes me to get distracted quite easily, however not by things you would guess. When I tackle a task, I get very involved in the details. This is espically true in the case of writing. I love to write, I get enjoyment from it. Research papers are one of my favorite things about college because it allows me to exploit my over-attention to minute details. I start by doing very through research and taking detailed notes on each source I plan to use in my paper. As I collect sources, the first thing I do is write out a reference in APA format. I then compile my notes into a rough outline and then a second outline. I carve out the unnecessary info and add more where needed to create a final outline in which I site each point and sub-point according to APA standards.
After the outline is done, I begin the rough draft. I always hand write the rough draft because it allows me to view all my electronic resources without jumpin between fifty different windows. After the initial rough draft is done, I read it out loud to check sentence flow and structure. This also helps to catch grammatical errors before I begin typing the final paper.
Once the old-fashioned editing is done, I begin typing up a rough draft on my computer. I then read through it out loud again to ensure there are no run-on sentences or simple grammatical or spelling errors. Once the paper is revised an I am satisfied (or uninterested) in the paper, I check the formatting and chizzle it down to APA standards. Finally, after I check the formatting, I read the paper out loud AGAIN. This final reading helps me to make sure everything matches Kaplan's standards....and mine too.
Done with the paper, I sit back and relax until my books for the next term come. Then it's back to the academic grindstone.
The down side to all this perfectionism is that it takes me a very, very long time to complete assingments. Because of this, everything seems "last minute."
a poem
Oh me, oh my, the motivation that did fly high,
drew too near to the sun,
and burned too severly for me to have fun.
When pride and arrogance did set in,
my heart started to blacken from within.
No, I did not lift my eyes,
towards heaven,
past the skys.
No one came to show support,
so crashing down,
came my "inpenetrable" fort.
Like the walls of Jericho,
did it fall,
with less effort, darn it all.
Stupidly, I ran,
and in the darkness did trip and fall.
Then a pinhole of light began to show,
as I saw the burden that I had refused to let go.
Pride as black a coal,
from my soul began to roll.
The pinhole began to rip,
and began to tear,
scattering the darkness elsewhere.
So it was that God did speak,
to my soul,
when again I was weak.
Happiness than began,
to flow from love,
that filled my soul.
My little angel, and my girls,
the positive light,
are the things that help me fight.
***
Just felt like writing a poem.
drew too near to the sun,
and burned too severly for me to have fun.
When pride and arrogance did set in,
my heart started to blacken from within.
No, I did not lift my eyes,
towards heaven,
past the skys.
No one came to show support,
so crashing down,
came my "inpenetrable" fort.
Like the walls of Jericho,
did it fall,
with less effort, darn it all.
Stupidly, I ran,
and in the darkness did trip and fall.
Then a pinhole of light began to show,
as I saw the burden that I had refused to let go.
Pride as black a coal,
from my soul began to roll.
The pinhole began to rip,
and began to tear,
scattering the darkness elsewhere.
So it was that God did speak,
to my soul,
when again I was weak.
Happiness than began,
to flow from love,
that filled my soul.
My little angel, and my girls,
the positive light,
are the things that help me fight.
***
Just felt like writing a poem.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
soul searching
I rearranged my living room today. It feels nice. I am trying to re-arrange my heart after a flood of doubt was depositited into it this last weekend. Had I succombed to it, I would have been lost forever.
In my previous post, there was the voice of a soul in turmoil. Deception was laced in some of my thoughts and I was blinded by an ugly lie. So now I attempt to return to the truth. My nights will still be sleepless for a time, and my mornings filled with fatigue, but I will soon return from this vile darkness. I will soon step back into the light and peace that the Lord has brought to me.
My soul shall seek the Lord, my heart will cry out for him, and once again I will be enveloped in love.
My son is a little over 2 months old now. I still count these stages though his soul is ageless in heaven. I am so proud of my boy. If he was here in my arms, I would be constantly talking about him, and proudly showing him to everyone that crossed my path. That's the way I was with my girls (and still am). So I freely talk about my son when asked. I always say I have two girls and one son...who is an angel.
Some may think I'm trying to brush off the fact that he is gone from this world, but I'm not.
So after a few days of nearly getting lost in darkness, I will return to my rock like the prodical son. I run back to my God in fear asking for mercy and forgiveness. Like David, I return to my Lord and will become victorious.
In my previous post, there was the voice of a soul in turmoil. Deception was laced in some of my thoughts and I was blinded by an ugly lie. So now I attempt to return to the truth. My nights will still be sleepless for a time, and my mornings filled with fatigue, but I will soon return from this vile darkness. I will soon step back into the light and peace that the Lord has brought to me.
My soul shall seek the Lord, my heart will cry out for him, and once again I will be enveloped in love.
My son is a little over 2 months old now. I still count these stages though his soul is ageless in heaven. I am so proud of my boy. If he was here in my arms, I would be constantly talking about him, and proudly showing him to everyone that crossed my path. That's the way I was with my girls (and still am). So I freely talk about my son when asked. I always say I have two girls and one son...who is an angel.
Some may think I'm trying to brush off the fact that he is gone from this world, but I'm not.
So after a few days of nearly getting lost in darkness, I will return to my rock like the prodical son. I run back to my God in fear asking for mercy and forgiveness. Like David, I return to my Lord and will become victorious.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
truth
I was going to post on something school-related today, but I have something else on my mind.
I had a long talk with my brother Omar last night, and I belive that God was using him to reveal the truth of things in the world. Until I had that talk, I was not understanding important things in life in the right way.
God did not take Link from me. God is an artist, we are his works of art, created with love and beauty. What artist wouuld destroy his work? I have spent several hours as of late working on pictures latley. I have never once wanted to destroy my art, because I create it with love. Link was created with so much love from my husband and I, and he was blessed because everyone loved him.
God does not want us to suffer, or to hurt. His love for us is so great that it is beyond anything we could ever understand. When he created us, he saw that it was good. But then something rotten and wicked came into the world and enticed man kind down a path that would only lead to destruction. It was and is an evil that defies our understanding, something so vile and filled with pure hatred that almost nothing can stand in its way.
It was this horrid force that took Link from me. From the moment of it's first appearance in the Garden of Eden, the world has been wrought with pain, suffering, and every kind of hardship known to man. He is the author of pain, the master of misery.
There are clear lines in the world defining who God is and who God isn't. God is the one we turn to when things go bad. He is the one who comforts us in our pain and misery, because he has been there before. He knows our pain and understands it more than we do. God gave me a wonderful son, and he has been helping me to be gracious in sorrrow.
A friend of mine is dying. Though I have known her only a few short years, I have always admired and respected her. She has a wonderful family, and they are also gracious in sorrow. I was given the gift of time, and my friend's daughter exchanged memories. It was very nice, but the best thing about it was seeing the beautiful love that a daughter has for her mother.
I'm sorry this is such a long entry, but it's my favorite homework assingment. I actually get a grade for thiis, can you believe it? I like writing, it is a great stress relief, and honestly, If I was saying all this stuff in a conversation, people would get bored pretty fast. I would be called a jabber jaw.
I had a long talk with my brother Omar last night, and I belive that God was using him to reveal the truth of things in the world. Until I had that talk, I was not understanding important things in life in the right way.
God did not take Link from me. God is an artist, we are his works of art, created with love and beauty. What artist wouuld destroy his work? I have spent several hours as of late working on pictures latley. I have never once wanted to destroy my art, because I create it with love. Link was created with so much love from my husband and I, and he was blessed because everyone loved him.
God does not want us to suffer, or to hurt. His love for us is so great that it is beyond anything we could ever understand. When he created us, he saw that it was good. But then something rotten and wicked came into the world and enticed man kind down a path that would only lead to destruction. It was and is an evil that defies our understanding, something so vile and filled with pure hatred that almost nothing can stand in its way.
It was this horrid force that took Link from me. From the moment of it's first appearance in the Garden of Eden, the world has been wrought with pain, suffering, and every kind of hardship known to man. He is the author of pain, the master of misery.
There are clear lines in the world defining who God is and who God isn't. God is the one we turn to when things go bad. He is the one who comforts us in our pain and misery, because he has been there before. He knows our pain and understands it more than we do. God gave me a wonderful son, and he has been helping me to be gracious in sorrrow.
A friend of mine is dying. Though I have known her only a few short years, I have always admired and respected her. She has a wonderful family, and they are also gracious in sorrow. I was given the gift of time, and my friend's daughter exchanged memories. It was very nice, but the best thing about it was seeing the beautiful love that a daughter has for her mother.
I'm sorry this is such a long entry, but it's my favorite homework assingment. I actually get a grade for thiis, can you believe it? I like writing, it is a great stress relief, and honestly, If I was saying all this stuff in a conversation, people would get bored pretty fast. I would be called a jabber jaw.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My son, this post is for you.
In my short 25 years of existence in this world, no one has had more of an impact on my life than you. There is absolutley nothing negative about the influence you have had and continue to have on my life. Because of the unexpectedness and swiftness with which your angelic presence came and left, my life has transformed. the deep sorrow I have from loosing you can not compare to the immense love I have for you, my love.
Since the moment you graced me with your sweet presence, I have loved you. I looked forward to hearing you cry, to sleepless nights, to milk stains on my shirts, and baby barf, to exhaustion and frustration, but most of all to you. Most of all, I looked forward to seeing your sweet face and gazing into your warm innocent eyes as I let myself get overcome by the love I have for you.
Without you here, there is always something missing. No family moment is complete, because you aren't here. Despite the saddness of it all, I am grateful for the time I had with you. I know that you are in heaven watching me with love. I know that you have a better home than any place on earth could have been. While you were here, my womb was the only home you knew. The comfort I hope I gave you does not compare to the vast love that you are basking in now. The love and wisdom of our Hevanly Father and of our Lord Jesus outshines, outweighs, and completley surpasses everything we could even begin to imagine.
Someday, I will join you. When that day comes, I will be happy and die smiling because at long last I will see your eyes and hear your voice. I'll drink in your smile and tickle your tiny feet. Your sisters and father and any other siblings will know that it is a bittersweet moment, filled with joy because I will be with you.
I may not know God's purpose for taking you so soon, Link, but I know that he is still using you in my life and that your purpose will be continuous throughout my life. I know that somehow, this broken heart of mine is part of God's plan for me and the rest of our little family. What he plans to do with this broken soul of mine, I don't know. I am sure though that it is something great, and that it will have a huge impact on us down here. Link, I asked God to bring it on. I told him with absolute faith that I was ready for the burden he is going to give me, because He will help me through it.
God heard my prayer, Link. Changes are already happening, they are dramatic things that are causing great turmoil and confusion in my soul. But I have to see them through. When the chaos levels rise up in a roaring inferno, I turn to God to restore sanity. This is only the beginning of the lesson I am learning from you, my son.
I have to get to bed. Can you do a favor and say hello to my friends from the nursing home who have recently joined you up there? I have a lot of respect for them, and it was a source of true joy to have the privelege of helping them in the sunset of their lives.
In my short 25 years of existence in this world, no one has had more of an impact on my life than you. There is absolutley nothing negative about the influence you have had and continue to have on my life. Because of the unexpectedness and swiftness with which your angelic presence came and left, my life has transformed. the deep sorrow I have from loosing you can not compare to the immense love I have for you, my love.
Since the moment you graced me with your sweet presence, I have loved you. I looked forward to hearing you cry, to sleepless nights, to milk stains on my shirts, and baby barf, to exhaustion and frustration, but most of all to you. Most of all, I looked forward to seeing your sweet face and gazing into your warm innocent eyes as I let myself get overcome by the love I have for you.
Without you here, there is always something missing. No family moment is complete, because you aren't here. Despite the saddness of it all, I am grateful for the time I had with you. I know that you are in heaven watching me with love. I know that you have a better home than any place on earth could have been. While you were here, my womb was the only home you knew. The comfort I hope I gave you does not compare to the vast love that you are basking in now. The love and wisdom of our Hevanly Father and of our Lord Jesus outshines, outweighs, and completley surpasses everything we could even begin to imagine.
Someday, I will join you. When that day comes, I will be happy and die smiling because at long last I will see your eyes and hear your voice. I'll drink in your smile and tickle your tiny feet. Your sisters and father and any other siblings will know that it is a bittersweet moment, filled with joy because I will be with you.
I may not know God's purpose for taking you so soon, Link, but I know that he is still using you in my life and that your purpose will be continuous throughout my life. I know that somehow, this broken heart of mine is part of God's plan for me and the rest of our little family. What he plans to do with this broken soul of mine, I don't know. I am sure though that it is something great, and that it will have a huge impact on us down here. Link, I asked God to bring it on. I told him with absolute faith that I was ready for the burden he is going to give me, because He will help me through it.
God heard my prayer, Link. Changes are already happening, they are dramatic things that are causing great turmoil and confusion in my soul. But I have to see them through. When the chaos levels rise up in a roaring inferno, I turn to God to restore sanity. This is only the beginning of the lesson I am learning from you, my son.
I have to get to bed. Can you do a favor and say hello to my friends from the nursing home who have recently joined you up there? I have a lot of respect for them, and it was a source of true joy to have the privelege of helping them in the sunset of their lives.
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