Sad Gratitude

Last night, as I was out back smoking a cigarette with my husband, my little angel came into my mind.  My train of thoughts about him could not be redirected.  As always, I ended up dwelling on how immensly I love him.  I began to sway gently from side-to-side in the same way I did when he was with me.  At that moment, the part of me that I have tried to force to be numb since January became red and inflammed with the pain of longing.

The little sensations of kicks of silent protest he used to give me, were so well remembered that I could've sworn he was still there.  I used to rock him gently like that, talking and singing to him in moments where the world would fade around us and all that existed was a mother and her only son.  It was at those times where I would wish I could see through the bulging, stretched skin into my uterus, so I could see his face.

On the day he passed away, I spent the night as a walking coffin at home.  But I'm glad I got those last precious moments of pregnancy, even if his soul wasn't there.  Because it was the last time he was so physically close to me, and it was a special good-bye.

Link has changed me forever, for the better.  His death, which was only a solitary moment in his life, is continually outweighed by his life and the sheer joy we experienced together in every moment.  So the fact that he died, and is not here with me physically, is bitter-sweet.  Bitter because he and I can not enjoy the same kind of relationship I have with my daughters, sweet because he changed my very perception of reality and of all the things in my life.  Though he was here so briefly, the very fact that he was here changed everything in my life.  I feel I am turning into a more empathetic and caring person as a result of loosing him.  I see positive changes where, before, only thistles existed.  The growth of my new personna is amazing and is a prettier plant, with more grace.

If Link hadn't died, that would've been wonderful.  I wish every moment that he was here with his sisters, father, and I; they feel the same way.  But because he did pass away, I began to search for God again.  God has made his love and comfort extremely clear.  He is the reason I am able to carry on and not let grief overcome my soul.  Any strength, physical, emotional, or otherwise, is only because it is given to me graciously.  I can not take credit for any of it, to do so would be....plagiarizing.... and badly.  So when I think about my son, and the impact he has on my life, I am grateful.  It is a beautiful mix of gratitude combined with sorrow, with a core of pure love.

Sorry...I tend to rant.  Thanks for reading.