Son,
Like no other pregnancy I had experienced before yours had the most impact. You had a personality that I could not fathom, a depth I could not perceive. I felt I knew you better than your sisters. During those nine months, there were the times I experienced when the classic anticipation and complaints of pregnancy would prevail; but more often than not there was the sense that you were special.
I was and am proud of you; but when you were here with me, so close to my soul, it was pure joy. I talked to you often and knew you understood what I was saying. You gave me the experience of having a son whom I could be real with and talk to on a level in which I do not even talk to your father. I could be truly real with you on all fronts and never needed to hide a thing from you.
Perhaps...that is why you aren't with us today. Once again, I admit, I have tried to distance myself from the current pregnancy. This reaction is out of fear of loosing something precious all over again.
So if, as you look down at your mama, you shake your head...please just understand. I know you do anyways.
I love you.
--Mommy
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
been a while
Hey Baby Boy,
I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3
You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.
Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.
I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.
To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.
At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.
Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.
Thank you Link. <3
I know it's been a while. I've been feeling overwhelmed lately, and you know I forgot the password for a little while there. :) Sorry <3
You have been dominating my mind lately. I have not had the power to push you away...nor have I had the desire. You would most assuredly be walking by now, weaned from the breast, ect. :) Your biggest sister is still having a difficult time understanding things. She is still so young. She desperately wants Yuki to be a boy; she had really been looking forward to you. I miss you too.
Please understand that I my heart is with you forever. the wound still hemorrhages now and again, despite my attempts to bandage it and stop the bleeding. Seeing your sister still grieving is hard. On nearly all the days when she behaves the worst, she mentions you in one way or another. She sees your picture, she sees your urn, she knows you were here...she just can not understand why you are not here now. I think it baffles her brain so much that she just can not decide what to do with herself.
I felt that way when I came back home with nothing but a memory box and a fractured heart. I must admit, I had not cleaned so much for a very long time.
To be honest, son, another reason I had been avoiding writing to you is because I am trying to connect with Yuki. Loosing you has changed the way I deal with pregnancy. No longer is it pure magic; now it feels dominated by fear. Every day I remain pregnant I thank God, because I am so afraid of loosing Yuki. I have not allowed myself to become connected to Yuki the way I connected with you or your sisters; but I know my soul would be torn in two all over again if I were to loose her/him. So when the day comes to an end, I quietly thank Yuki for staying on Earth one more day, and celebrate with a small smile...one that carries the burden of fear.
At work tonight, a good friend suggested that perhaps God needed another angel for heaven and so he chose you. I know she meant well, but since I have been feeling the blood seeping through the wound in my heart for a while now I was unable to control my retort. I jokingly told her that if that was the reason you died God could kiss my ass. I'm sure I know the reason you died, son; I'm convinced it was due to human error. However, I also feel that it would not honor you to seek vengeance. Your face showed no sign of sorrow, pain or suffering; when I saw you and held you, my heart filled with pride and bursted with love. Bitter-sweet and filled with sorrow. You were and are the most beautiful baby boy I have ever held and I am proud to have had the honor of nurturing your life--short though it was.
Sorry for rambling, I guess I just wanted to ask you to tell God that I didn't mean what I said. I know he has felt my pain...and then some. He had to see his son being tortured and die a violent death. So who am I to compare my pain to that of our creator.
Thank you Link. <3
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Distractions to eliminate.
Well my son, I write to you again about nothing in particular. We're settling into the new place quite nicely, and I hope Charlie will too.
Tonight I write to you about my new plan. I know you already understand it, but I feel the need to explain it for my self in detail. Yes, I realize that I will probably over-complicate things. Here are my biggest distractions, which I'm sure take large chunks of time away from my family as well as impair my ability to be a productive person.
Don't worry too much. I will still write to you, the only difference is that I will be using a pen. :) I would like to make a face book exception for Yuki...just to keep people updated. So I will permit myself one 5 minute excursion per week to do this.
Tonight I write to you about my new plan. I know you already understand it, but I feel the need to explain it for my self in detail. Yes, I realize that I will probably over-complicate things. Here are my biggest distractions, which I'm sure take large chunks of time away from my family as well as impair my ability to be a productive person.
- Randomly surfing the web.
- Mt. Dew
- Limit computer usage to the following:
- School Related activities
- Definition:
- seminars
- completing relevant research
- Assingments requiring computer use
- 5 minutes weekly on facebook (updating people on my pregnancy).
- will obtain an egg timer specifically for this purpose.
- Checking e-mail once a day (@night)
- Processing Avon orders bi-weekly
- Paying bills bi-weekly
- Checking financial information p.r.n
- Do not drink pop in any form
Don't worry too much. I will still write to you, the only difference is that I will be using a pen. :) I would like to make a face book exception for Yuki...just to keep people updated. So I will permit myself one 5 minute excursion per week to do this.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Yuki is doing well.
Link,
As far as I can tell, Yuki is doing well. Yuki is still in there, and I take that to be a good thing. :D. On Thursday I will get to hear Yuki's heart beat for the first time, I'm going to record it for daddy and to be sure that we always have that memory. I'm sorry I didn't do that for you. I had meant to but...well I know you're not mad at me.
I have so much homework to do it's insane. I got most of software applications done...all I'm willing to do anyways. I have to do all the medical transcription between Monday and Tuesday. :P Not the most enjoyable thing, but oh well. My schedule is so crazy:
I love you baby boy,
Mama
As far as I can tell, Yuki is doing well. Yuki is still in there, and I take that to be a good thing. :D. On Thursday I will get to hear Yuki's heart beat for the first time, I'm going to record it for daddy and to be sure that we always have that memory. I'm sorry I didn't do that for you. I had meant to but...well I know you're not mad at me.
I have so much homework to do it's insane. I got most of software applications done...all I'm willing to do anyways. I have to do all the medical transcription between Monday and Tuesday. :P Not the most enjoyable thing, but oh well. My schedule is so crazy:
- Monday: finalization of the moving. MT homework. Work from 2pm to 9pm. MT homework. Justin needs to pick up your sisters while I'm at work.
- Tuesday: busting butt when I can on homework. Cleaning @ the old place. Getting Trin to School. Busting butt on homework.
- Wednesday: Cleaning @ the old place. Setting up my academic schedule around my work schedule. Trin to school. Homework. Unpacking. Work :P.
- Thursday: Cleaning @ old place. Class in the morning and evening. Unpacking, cleaning. homework.
- Friday: Unpacking. Cleaning. Work. Errand running ($$-either me or daddy). Homework
- Saturday: Cleaning. Unpacking. Pick up Charlie @ 12:00 pm. Getting to know Charlie. Cleaning @ old house. Homework
- Sunday: Visit from your Great Aunt Tammy. Cleaning @ old house--final day. Alone with Charlie, no kids, no Justin. Solo. Homework
I love you baby boy,
Mama
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Your Birthday is Comming
Link,
In less than 4 months it will be your birthday. I want to have a balloon realease event. I want to use bio-degradable baloons, so I don't have to worry too much about the clean up. I miss you son, and though you're not on earth, I will still celebrate your life. Probably on January 4, 2011, for in that way, I will honor your life, and the focus will not be on your death. You have my eternal love.
<3,
Mommy
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Link,
We will be moving soon, I hope. On Saturday we're going to look at a new apartment, one with a yard and where we can have a dog. I have been negotiating it for about a week. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to the next trimester of being pregnant with Yuki.
It is my sincere hope that we will be able to adopt Charlie. I've been eye-balling him for over a month now. I hope when we go to meet him that he is what I've imagined, otherwise, I do have a back up plan. The main thing I'm going to have to do is get a note of permission from my new land-lord-to-be, stating his pet policy. I want to adopt from a shelter because it's pretty much a guarantee of health.
I love you son.
<3 Mommy
We will be moving soon, I hope. On Saturday we're going to look at a new apartment, one with a yard and where we can have a dog. I have been negotiating it for about a week. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm also looking forward to the next trimester of being pregnant with Yuki.
It is my sincere hope that we will be able to adopt Charlie. I've been eye-balling him for over a month now. I hope when we go to meet him that he is what I've imagined, otherwise, I do have a back up plan. The main thing I'm going to have to do is get a note of permission from my new land-lord-to-be, stating his pet policy. I want to adopt from a shelter because it's pretty much a guarantee of health.
I love you son.
<3 Mommy
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Little Link,
Today was productive; I got my old job back and will be starting again on the 23rd. I want to thank you, son, for the dream you sent me; it made me realize the reason I loved working as a C.N.A. When people are in their last stages of life, it is good for them to have someone who cares administer final cares with an attitude of respect. With that in mind, please forgive me for not holding you right away, the pain was just too great. I am sorry, but I know you understand.
I'm gaining faith again; faith in the future and in myself. Faith was something I thought had left with you. I now realize that though you did take a large part of my heart, you gave me a greater awareness of my capacity to love. Lord, how I miss you though. <3
I recently contacted a woman who has decided that she cannot be your aunt at this time. I sent her a message, and in reply, she very politely informed me that she was not comfortable dealing with a situation in which she would attain new family members....and that's okay. I imagine that, for years, she has either not known of my existence or has decided (like the father she and I share) that I am not worth knowing. It takes all types to make the world go round.
Yuki is doing fine, as are your big sisters, and Daddy. We are looking to re-locate so that we can have a dog, among other things. Daddy has his heart set on a little place down the road, and I am more open to other possibilities. I suppose one of the things you learned about me is that I do not have a wealth of patience. :) While Daddy is willing to wait for a more specific locale, I am a bit more irrational and let my lack of patience get the best of me. Everything will work out in the end, you know how Karma loves your father.
I'll talk a bit more about Yuki, if it suits you. First off, I'm scared. Loosing you was really very difficult, and I don't want to loose Yuki. I carry a hope with this pregnancy that I will have twins. I know you are aware that this is not a desire to see you re-born; but rather, a longing I have had for a while now.
I know that Yuki can feel my emotions; and that. . . lately. . . my moods have been more unpredictable than a hurricane. This unpredictability has a mix of sources. For example: I have tried to quit smoking, and as a master of excuses, have come up with a lot of reasons why I "can't." Among these reasons is the fact that I am no longer taking my prescribed (and much needed) anti-depressants because I'm afraid of causing harm to Yuki. I know that the cigarettes are just as bad (if not worse), yet I can't bring myself to let go of this cancerous emotional crutch.
I believe that everyone was in existence, and had lessons laid out for themselves, before their conception. What I'm trying to say is that every life has a purpose. I don't know what your specific purpose was/is, it must be beyond me; but I know that if you had intended to stay longer, you would still be here. By my logic, you know all of this already, because in heaven people contain all the knowledge (and more) that we could hope to compile here on earth. I ''tell" you things so I will never forget that your life was beautiful to me and many others here......that the reach of your tiny fingers has extended far beyond anything we could have imagined while you in my womb.
The lives you touched are those belonging to very good friends of ours, to family, co-workers, and individuals who are also in the last years of well-lived lives. I just don't want to ever forget that. I love you, my son.
Love,
Ma Ma
Today was productive; I got my old job back and will be starting again on the 23rd. I want to thank you, son, for the dream you sent me; it made me realize the reason I loved working as a C.N.A. When people are in their last stages of life, it is good for them to have someone who cares administer final cares with an attitude of respect. With that in mind, please forgive me for not holding you right away, the pain was just too great. I am sorry, but I know you understand.
I'm gaining faith again; faith in the future and in myself. Faith was something I thought had left with you. I now realize that though you did take a large part of my heart, you gave me a greater awareness of my capacity to love. Lord, how I miss you though. <3
I recently contacted a woman who has decided that she cannot be your aunt at this time. I sent her a message, and in reply, she very politely informed me that she was not comfortable dealing with a situation in which she would attain new family members....and that's okay. I imagine that, for years, she has either not known of my existence or has decided (like the father she and I share) that I am not worth knowing. It takes all types to make the world go round.
Yuki is doing fine, as are your big sisters, and Daddy. We are looking to re-locate so that we can have a dog, among other things. Daddy has his heart set on a little place down the road, and I am more open to other possibilities. I suppose one of the things you learned about me is that I do not have a wealth of patience. :) While Daddy is willing to wait for a more specific locale, I am a bit more irrational and let my lack of patience get the best of me. Everything will work out in the end, you know how Karma loves your father.
I'll talk a bit more about Yuki, if it suits you. First off, I'm scared. Loosing you was really very difficult, and I don't want to loose Yuki. I carry a hope with this pregnancy that I will have twins. I know you are aware that this is not a desire to see you re-born; but rather, a longing I have had for a while now.
I know that Yuki can feel my emotions; and that. . . lately. . . my moods have been more unpredictable than a hurricane. This unpredictability has a mix of sources. For example: I have tried to quit smoking, and as a master of excuses, have come up with a lot of reasons why I "can't." Among these reasons is the fact that I am no longer taking my prescribed (and much needed) anti-depressants because I'm afraid of causing harm to Yuki. I know that the cigarettes are just as bad (if not worse), yet I can't bring myself to let go of this cancerous emotional crutch.
I believe that everyone was in existence, and had lessons laid out for themselves, before their conception. What I'm trying to say is that every life has a purpose. I don't know what your specific purpose was/is, it must be beyond me; but I know that if you had intended to stay longer, you would still be here. By my logic, you know all of this already, because in heaven people contain all the knowledge (and more) that we could hope to compile here on earth. I ''tell" you things so I will never forget that your life was beautiful to me and many others here......that the reach of your tiny fingers has extended far beyond anything we could have imagined while you in my womb.
The lives you touched are those belonging to very good friends of ours, to family, co-workers, and individuals who are also in the last years of well-lived lives. I just don't want to ever forget that. I love you, my son.
Love,
Ma Ma
Sunday, October 10, 2010
I want to return to my roots,
the place in my heart where love starts.
So I look to my children, and see the glee.
They have innocence, they have love.
They see no limits to what can be good.
Smiling faces of pure joy,
nurtured by love,
not only from me, but from the one who sees us from above.
I will approach life and all it's accompanying strife,
with new resolve and attempt to see,
the greater love that surrounds me.
the place in my heart where love starts.
So I look to my children, and see the glee.
They have innocence, they have love.
They see no limits to what can be good.
Smiling faces of pure joy,
nurtured by love,
not only from me, but from the one who sees us from above.
I will approach life and all it's accompanying strife,
with new resolve and attempt to see,
the greater love that surrounds me.
Open doors, Never Shut them.
Keep your future open, along with your heart.
Do not close the doors on things close to your heart.
For by leaving the door open, you may soon see, that the dreams you have had...
may sometime become a reality.
Pain is part of life, master of lessons learned in strife.
Overcome by joy and love, if you close certain doors,
you turn your back on the good things that may come.
Do not give in to the perceptions that negativity creates.
For by doing so, you could close the door on some good fate.
So just wait patiently and pray.
For the Lord knows the the right timing for the events of every day.
Have faith and press on, and sooner than you think the good things will come along.
The only doors that I do shut, are the ones from which no good will come.
Negative thoughts will seem to have no end.
So those are the doors I attempt to lock and shut, so I never hurt a friend.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
My Son
You are gone, but your memory will live on in my heart. I will do my best to let people know that you were here for a time, because you matter to me. It is my wish that when I die, the fact of your existence does not die with me.
I will see if it is right to fight for you, to see if the reason you are not here is because of human error. If that is the reason, I will start a fight. Even if I do not win, I swear the fight will be known. Link, I need to know why this happened to you. I...just need to know.
I will see if it is right to fight for you, to see if the reason you are not here is because of human error. If that is the reason, I will start a fight. Even if I do not win, I swear the fight will be known. Link, I need to know why this happened to you. I...just need to know.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Link,
"Cornelius answered: 'Four days ago I was in my house praying at this hour, at three in the afternoon. Suddenly a man in shining clothes stood before me and said, 'Cornelius, God has heard your prayer and remembered your gifts to the poor. Send to Joppa for Simon the tanner, who lives by the sea.' So I sent for you immediately, and it was good of you to come. Now we are all here in the presence of God to isten to everything the Lord commanded you to tell us." Acts 10:30-33
For some reason today, this passage spoke to me. This is what Cornelius said to Peter when they met. Peter was a Jew and Cornelius was a Roman, a very unlikely meeting under circumstances of the time. This is how he answered when Peter asked why Cornelius sent for him. In reply, this is what Peter said:
Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritisim but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right." Acts 10:34-35
This brings several things in to my mind. The most unlikely of converts of the time became a Christian. So I am finding that maybe I should re-evaluate my motives in having doubts about certain people. I am happy that the Lord showed this to me, Link.
Please remember that I love you as you look down on me from heaven. I know I have many flaws, and have never denied them. I will see you again some day.
Love Forever,
Mommy
"Cornelius answered: 'Four days ago I was in my house praying at this hour, at three in the afternoon. Suddenly a man in shining clothes stood before me and said, 'Cornelius, God has heard your prayer and remembered your gifts to the poor. Send to Joppa for Simon the tanner, who lives by the sea.' So I sent for you immediately, and it was good of you to come. Now we are all here in the presence of God to isten to everything the Lord commanded you to tell us." Acts 10:30-33
For some reason today, this passage spoke to me. This is what Cornelius said to Peter when they met. Peter was a Jew and Cornelius was a Roman, a very unlikely meeting under circumstances of the time. This is how he answered when Peter asked why Cornelius sent for him. In reply, this is what Peter said:
Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritisim but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right." Acts 10:34-35
This brings several things in to my mind. The most unlikely of converts of the time became a Christian. So I am finding that maybe I should re-evaluate my motives in having doubts about certain people. I am happy that the Lord showed this to me, Link.
Please remember that I love you as you look down on me from heaven. I know I have many flaws, and have never denied them. I will see you again some day.
Love Forever,
Mommy
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
just needed to cry
Sometimes, I just need to cry. The pain is sometimes overwhelming, and there is nothing I can do but cry. I don't believe that it's unhealthy, he is my son after all.
I've been feeling that I go through the days as if he never existed, so I remind myself...I have three children, it's just that one of them is in heaven. I don't talk to my husband about it, not because it hurts too much, but because he doesn't talk to me about it. On the outside, it seems no one knows. To others, I'm just a mother of two beautiful little girls, they don't know about my beautiful boy.
He would've been about 8 months old now, but he was given eternal youth. I miss him so much. I want another child, but at the same time, it feels like if I have another one, I would be betraying my son. I was gazing at his picture on my laptop background, and it seemed that he was just sleeping in complete peace. I was imagining his back moving smoothly in gentle respiration of sound sleep. I imagined him alive with a sense of security and happiness, me stroking his back lovingly with a warm motherly glow of love radiating from my face.
He is so perfect to me, do I even deserve another child?
I've been feeling that I go through the days as if he never existed, so I remind myself...I have three children, it's just that one of them is in heaven. I don't talk to my husband about it, not because it hurts too much, but because he doesn't talk to me about it. On the outside, it seems no one knows. To others, I'm just a mother of two beautiful little girls, they don't know about my beautiful boy.
He would've been about 8 months old now, but he was given eternal youth. I miss him so much. I want another child, but at the same time, it feels like if I have another one, I would be betraying my son. I was gazing at his picture on my laptop background, and it seemed that he was just sleeping in complete peace. I was imagining his back moving smoothly in gentle respiration of sound sleep. I imagined him alive with a sense of security and happiness, me stroking his back lovingly with a warm motherly glow of love radiating from my face.
He is so perfect to me, do I even deserve another child?
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I feel rejuvinated, like I am me again. Since before the loss of Link, my intimate life seemed meant only for procreation. But something has changed. So,it's time for a self-analysis! It has been so long so long since I have done one of these, but it is way over due.
It's funny how I feel that I can identify my emotional problems through this method of rambling, but I can. Lately, my soul has felt undue turmoil, and because of the way things have gone this year, I can't seem to pinpoint where it started. My feeling that it began on January 5, 2010. If you have followed this blog, you know it is the day my son rejoined the Heavenly Father.
But all of the sudden, I feel a sense of peace; disappointment and sorrow seem to have flown the coop, even if temporarily. I started reading a book on how to quit smoking and have been making a conscious effort to remind myself why smoking is horrible. After weeks of suggestive conversation to Justin about my beliefs on reproduction, he agreed to let me go off birth control. Further, I have not been taking my anti-depressant for several days. On Sunday night (05/23/2010) I attended church in Eau Claire. The week before that, I had been craving to read the bible, mainly proverbs. One verse inspired me so much that I could not help write it out in calligraphy. This morning, I took two vitamin B caplets, and then stupidly smoked a cigarette.
Back to intimacy, recently it has been for the pursuit of pleasure and for the purpose of sharing something beautiful with the man I love. I have felt a greater desire in the last few weeks to be a woman that is pleasing to the Lord. Frankly, I believe that my Heavenly Father is working within me, calling me gently back into his arms. I have no other way to explain my desire to be healthier, be a better mother, wife, sister, friend, and do everything good.
I know I am not a good person by my own nature, far from it, my short-comings and flaws surely outnumber the stars. So why do I feel contentment; and where is this feeling generating from? God has amazed me again; I went into that church service on Sunday night doubtful with a wall weak wall of defense that I thought was impenetrable. Yet, two days later, I have found beauty in life once again. I feel as if the root of my problems was in trying to live up to my impossible expectations on my own. Ironically, the failure this leads to was the highlight of the young pastor's sermon on Sunday night.
I had grossly underestimated the power of the Lord's influence through that message. Now there seems to be only one way to maintain this spiritual feeling. Beyond my comprehension is the fact that the He has extended to me once again His love. Truly the only way to success from here on out is through the strength of the Lord.
May the Lord bless all of you who have read this. I hope that His peace will find you.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
My Son,
My love for you will never die. I want you to know that I have not given up on the aspirations I had for you and the girls. I will continue to work towards getting a home, and educating your sisters from home. I will continue too strive to make your father happy.
My soul was not made to serve me, but to serve the ones I love. I was given a capacity to love that is amazing, I just did not realize it till I lost you. I long to have one last child, and I pray everyday from morning to night that the time for that will arrive soon. It is a decision I want to leave in the hands of the Lord, but the Lord seems to want the decision to be in the hands of your father.
One day, I will see you again, but for now I am needed here. I pray that I can bring honor to your name and make you proud of me. Since the day you were conceived, you have been a blessing to my soul; despite your absence from this world, you are not absent from my heart.
Love,
Your mother.
My love for you will never die. I want you to know that I have not given up on the aspirations I had for you and the girls. I will continue to work towards getting a home, and educating your sisters from home. I will continue too strive to make your father happy.
My soul was not made to serve me, but to serve the ones I love. I was given a capacity to love that is amazing, I just did not realize it till I lost you. I long to have one last child, and I pray everyday from morning to night that the time for that will arrive soon. It is a decision I want to leave in the hands of the Lord, but the Lord seems to want the decision to be in the hands of your father.
One day, I will see you again, but for now I am needed here. I pray that I can bring honor to your name and make you proud of me. Since the day you were conceived, you have been a blessing to my soul; despite your absence from this world, you are not absent from my heart.
Love,
Your mother.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
As of now, I am in between terms and switching majors. The upcoming class I know I have looks to be more difficult than I would have guessed. Though it is morning, it feels late. I decided to attempt to stifle my smoking habit once and for all. only problem is, I can't sleep now.
Link, you are always with me in my heart. for you I would crush the world. I love you son.
Link, you are always with me in my heart. for you I would crush the world. I love you son.
Friday, April 9, 2010
I am not lazy, but I do procrastinate. One will often find me crocheting, playing with my kids, or doing some form of artwork. I know that much of this time could be spent keeping my house immaculate and making sure not one drop of juice ever stained their clothes. And though my three favorite hobbies may seem unproductive, I am planting in their minds memories that will shape their personalities.
One thing I do need to work on is patience. I want the patience my grandmother shows for my girls, just two of many great grandchildren. If I had half of the energy to entertain my children that my mother has, I would be great. It seem like my girls are like a second chance for my mom to be a kid.
I love my children dearly. They are the wondrous blessings the lord has given to me, in spite of myself. I want to bring them up as godly women, but I have no clue where to start. With a limited budget it is hard to be able to go to a church I agree with every week. There are times when I feel so isolated in this tiny town house. There are neighbors on both sides, with kids that run about happily. But I would much rather spend the day at the park relaxing than stay by my apartment and play on the swings. Why?
The answer to that question is this: I love every little moment I have with them. I have to cause my mind to see things from their p.o.v. Children seem to have a sort of understanding of things, and are able to accept the things adults can not. For instance, when Link passed away, they were sad but not constantly like I was. They saw me cry, and learned about sorrow early in life.
I wish my heart was not an open wound.
One thing I do need to work on is patience. I want the patience my grandmother shows for my girls, just two of many great grandchildren. If I had half of the energy to entertain my children that my mother has, I would be great. It seem like my girls are like a second chance for my mom to be a kid.
I love my children dearly. They are the wondrous blessings the lord has given to me, in spite of myself. I want to bring them up as godly women, but I have no clue where to start. With a limited budget it is hard to be able to go to a church I agree with every week. There are times when I feel so isolated in this tiny town house. There are neighbors on both sides, with kids that run about happily. But I would much rather spend the day at the park relaxing than stay by my apartment and play on the swings. Why?
The answer to that question is this: I love every little moment I have with them. I have to cause my mind to see things from their p.o.v. Children seem to have a sort of understanding of things, and are able to accept the things adults can not. For instance, when Link passed away, they were sad but not constantly like I was. They saw me cry, and learned about sorrow early in life.
I wish my heart was not an open wound.
To carry an individual soul within my womb, that is my desire. With the loss of one precious pearl, I long for the chance to produce one more.
None will shine as brilliantly as the one I lost, for each one has its own special shimmer. it is my hope that the Lord will speak to my husband's heart, and bless him with the desire to have another child.
Even in this despair and sorrow, the only thing i know to do is put my faith in my God, who will deliver me.
None will shine as brilliantly as the one I lost, for each one has its own special shimmer. it is my hope that the Lord will speak to my husband's heart, and bless him with the desire to have another child.
Even in this despair and sorrow, the only thing i know to do is put my faith in my God, who will deliver me.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
turmoil returns
Link,
My heart aches for you. My arms long to hold you and my fingers long for the strong grip from your little hands. I thought my heart was done aching, but your absence from my life brings sorrow to my heart daily. Now you would be five months old and possibly learning to roll over, much like your sister did at that age. I long to see your smile and gaze lovingly into your eyes. I long to hear your laughter and wipe away your tears. I wish you were here with me, growling at the cats and basking in the springtime sun as the birds sing sweetly. Yet I know with sad truth, that we can not share those moments together. We can not celebrate your milestones, nor can I give you the comfort I have longed to give to you.
A feeling of failure and uselessness overcomes me when I see other mothers breastfeeding and talking sweetly to their babies. I feel no envy, for those children are not mine, and are not nearly as precious to me as you and your sisters. Oh my only son, why has fate been so cruel to me? Why did the Lord give me such joy only to replace it with such deep sorrow?
I keep moving through life, accomplishing and creating new goals. But nothing I achieve is for myself, it is only for your father and sisters. I have no feeling of value of love for myself. I exist for others. Oh that my soul could know the joy of having you here, but I feel only emptiness and gloom. Though nothing I did caused your death, I feel that perhaps I committed some horrible act that must have angered the Lord to a degree that caused him to smite me with his rage.
I love you son.
God,
What, O Lord, have I done? Were my sins so great, my perception so flawed that you felt the need to kill part of my very soul? What was it, Father, that caused the life of my innocent son to be taken? I know, Lord, that I am a vile human and a poor example of motherhood, but why should that have such horrid consequences for my children? What has Trinity done to deserve such sorrow? What has Serenity done to deserve such grief? Are you punishing Justin for loving me and my first born? Why have the ones I love been treated with such hatred?
I know, Lord, that your plans are greater than mine. I know that life will improve if it is in your will. After such a great loss, I can not see past the present hour. My heart has become like stone and has sunk to the depths of my soul. Happiness does not seem temporary or even faint. There are moments when the wonder of your work takes my breath away and I can do nothing but sing your praises. My daughters, my husband, and all the people I love are indeed a great blessing, perhaps I have received all the blessings you had planned on giving me.
Are my motives wrong, have I led nations astray? Whom have I murdered? Whose heart have I torn? Answer me Lord, show me the transgressions that caused you to take my only son! I tell you the truth, Father God, if it were not for my children....I believe that I would have ceased existing long ago.
My heart aches for you. My arms long to hold you and my fingers long for the strong grip from your little hands. I thought my heart was done aching, but your absence from my life brings sorrow to my heart daily. Now you would be five months old and possibly learning to roll over, much like your sister did at that age. I long to see your smile and gaze lovingly into your eyes. I long to hear your laughter and wipe away your tears. I wish you were here with me, growling at the cats and basking in the springtime sun as the birds sing sweetly. Yet I know with sad truth, that we can not share those moments together. We can not celebrate your milestones, nor can I give you the comfort I have longed to give to you.
A feeling of failure and uselessness overcomes me when I see other mothers breastfeeding and talking sweetly to their babies. I feel no envy, for those children are not mine, and are not nearly as precious to me as you and your sisters. Oh my only son, why has fate been so cruel to me? Why did the Lord give me such joy only to replace it with such deep sorrow?
I keep moving through life, accomplishing and creating new goals. But nothing I achieve is for myself, it is only for your father and sisters. I have no feeling of value of love for myself. I exist for others. Oh that my soul could know the joy of having you here, but I feel only emptiness and gloom. Though nothing I did caused your death, I feel that perhaps I committed some horrible act that must have angered the Lord to a degree that caused him to smite me with his rage.
I love you son.
God,
What, O Lord, have I done? Were my sins so great, my perception so flawed that you felt the need to kill part of my very soul? What was it, Father, that caused the life of my innocent son to be taken? I know, Lord, that I am a vile human and a poor example of motherhood, but why should that have such horrid consequences for my children? What has Trinity done to deserve such sorrow? What has Serenity done to deserve such grief? Are you punishing Justin for loving me and my first born? Why have the ones I love been treated with such hatred?
I know, Lord, that your plans are greater than mine. I know that life will improve if it is in your will. After such a great loss, I can not see past the present hour. My heart has become like stone and has sunk to the depths of my soul. Happiness does not seem temporary or even faint. There are moments when the wonder of your work takes my breath away and I can do nothing but sing your praises. My daughters, my husband, and all the people I love are indeed a great blessing, perhaps I have received all the blessings you had planned on giving me.
Are my motives wrong, have I led nations astray? Whom have I murdered? Whose heart have I torn? Answer me Lord, show me the transgressions that caused you to take my only son! I tell you the truth, Father God, if it were not for my children....I believe that I would have ceased existing long ago.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
This term has finally ended. I must admit that I am not at my best academically, and I hope to high heaven that my gpa doesn't drop below honor roll requirements. I will probably be on academic probation, so next term will have to work twice as hard to get things done well.
I am excited for the next term. I had fun this term, despite my drop in grades. I was more relaxed, and quitting work, made things a lot easier for me too.
I am excited for the next term. I had fun this term, despite my drop in grades. I was more relaxed, and quitting work, made things a lot easier for me too.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My son is an angel, with wings that are blue,
They shine and glimmer with their silvery hue.
Love eternal, never to fade,
more brilliant than perfect jade.
With eyes of blue, or maybe brown,
Which I don't know, so I will try not to frown.
While you were here, my heart was filled with cheer,
So I cling to the good times, and calmly listen to the wind chimes.
Someday, perhaps, I will sing a lullaby,
and hold you in my arms, and never say goodbye.
They shine and glimmer with their silvery hue.
Love eternal, never to fade,
more brilliant than perfect jade.
With eyes of blue, or maybe brown,
Which I don't know, so I will try not to frown.
While you were here, my heart was filled with cheer,
So I cling to the good times, and calmly listen to the wind chimes.
Someday, perhaps, I will sing a lullaby,
and hold you in my arms, and never say goodbye.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
I'm comming out of a dark place... and I love it! I got a great deal of work done for the pattio garden I'm planning. I got caught up on the course work for this week, and can not wait to see the improvement in my grades!
I am wearing Link's necklace and talking with him again. He has crossed over, but we are still close.
The past few days, I've not been feeling the best, nauseated at strange times, ect. Somewhat like morning sickness, however the possibility of me being pregnant is slim because I have been on birth control for nearly four months and have been having my period as normal. Aside from that, I don't want get myself hopeful about the prospect of being pregnant right now, because I would be very depressed if I found out I wasn't.
On to better subjects! I am hoping to move to the country. Only time will tell if this will happen, and only if it is in the Lord's will. I am prayiing for it, but even if it doesn't happen, everything will be ok because my shelter is found under the wings of the Lord.
I am wearing Link's necklace and talking with him again. He has crossed over, but we are still close.
The past few days, I've not been feeling the best, nauseated at strange times, ect. Somewhat like morning sickness, however the possibility of me being pregnant is slim because I have been on birth control for nearly four months and have been having my period as normal. Aside from that, I don't want get myself hopeful about the prospect of being pregnant right now, because I would be very depressed if I found out I wasn't.
On to better subjects! I am hoping to move to the country. Only time will tell if this will happen, and only if it is in the Lord's will. I am prayiing for it, but even if it doesn't happen, everything will be ok because my shelter is found under the wings of the Lord.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Victorious
I'm sitting in the bathroom upstaris. The girls are taking a bath and I feel like I'm loosing my mind. It's all good though. I've come to realize that despite my recent procrastination in class, it is only due to me learning to adjust to no longer working on the weekends.
For nearly three weeks straight, I had no reliable access to my classes. When it comes to academic work, I must admit I enjoy it thouroughly. I love the writing process, the research, and best of all, the feeling of turning in an assingment that I have put my heart into.
Despite my recent procrastination, I am determined to set up a solid schedule with which to manage my life. I dream of an organized house, happy kids, a happy husband, and re-instating my honor-roll status. The house and kids aspect of this simple dream will take a while, but the academic side has a deadline that must not and cannot be ignored. In a series of sleepless nights, I will accomplish my academic goal.
So, I will let the clothes pile up a bit more, and the dishes sit in the sink. For the future of my family and I is not dependent on whether or not the disshes get done or the floors get vacuumed daily. Working towards a better future is the best thing I can do to preserve my sanity and my confidence right now.
For nearly three weeks straight, I had no reliable access to my classes. When it comes to academic work, I must admit I enjoy it thouroughly. I love the writing process, the research, and best of all, the feeling of turning in an assingment that I have put my heart into.
Despite my recent procrastination, I am determined to set up a solid schedule with which to manage my life. I dream of an organized house, happy kids, a happy husband, and re-instating my honor-roll status. The house and kids aspect of this simple dream will take a while, but the academic side has a deadline that must not and cannot be ignored. In a series of sleepless nights, I will accomplish my academic goal.
So, I will let the clothes pile up a bit more, and the dishes sit in the sink. For the future of my family and I is not dependent on whether or not the disshes get done or the floors get vacuumed daily. Working towards a better future is the best thing I can do to preserve my sanity and my confidence right now.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tonight I will rock the rough draft. My intellect will consume the discussion board, and I will be astounding. The power in my mind will blast away ignorance.
I rock.
____
Sometimes, when the world is attempting to crush me, I push back and crush it. In other words, when the centipede with its legs of self-pity, self-doubt, and self-hatred creep up on me, I smash it by talking myself up. Because I was beautifuly and wonderfully made, by a Great Being who sculpted me with love.
I rock.
____
Sometimes, when the world is attempting to crush me, I push back and crush it. In other words, when the centipede with its legs of self-pity, self-doubt, and self-hatred creep up on me, I smash it by talking myself up. Because I was beautifuly and wonderfully made, by a Great Being who sculpted me with love.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Reaching out my arm, I always get burned. But the honest truth is this: I rock.
Yup. I rock. Why? Look at my family, the most beautiful girls in the world and an incredibly sexy man. My son is perfect, heck, he even has wings. My brother is the DaVinci of dragon art, my sister the magesty of manga. The people I have embraced are true and real, trusting themselves and trusting me; knowing they will be accepted, so long as they don't push me away (for I will not disown them either).
I know I have my flaws. But I also am a truly honest person. I will let you know gently if you bother me. With grace, I let offenses slide off my shoulders. Yet, if I have deemed you worthy of my confidence, it is beneficial to not cross the line. It isn't often that I am saddened by another's actions, but when this sort of dissappointment is brought about, it is the result of a lack of empathy on the other person's part.
How is it possible for a person to claim the virtue of honesty? Even the best of men will lie. What is this thing called honesty? What gives a soul the desire to seek and portray the truth through their actions? Love. The love given to undeserving souls such as us, is a priceless gift to be honored.
An acquaintance of mine once said that to love others fully, you must learn to love yourself. This is a fallacy. I know this, because I love many people with every fiber of my soul. But I also despise myself and the potential I have within me to be wicked. What I do love about myself is the person I am becomming by allowing myself to surrender to the great love of the Creator.
Yup. I rock. Why? Look at my family, the most beautiful girls in the world and an incredibly sexy man. My son is perfect, heck, he even has wings. My brother is the DaVinci of dragon art, my sister the magesty of manga. The people I have embraced are true and real, trusting themselves and trusting me; knowing they will be accepted, so long as they don't push me away (for I will not disown them either).
I know I have my flaws. But I also am a truly honest person. I will let you know gently if you bother me. With grace, I let offenses slide off my shoulders. Yet, if I have deemed you worthy of my confidence, it is beneficial to not cross the line. It isn't often that I am saddened by another's actions, but when this sort of dissappointment is brought about, it is the result of a lack of empathy on the other person's part.
How is it possible for a person to claim the virtue of honesty? Even the best of men will lie. What is this thing called honesty? What gives a soul the desire to seek and portray the truth through their actions? Love. The love given to undeserving souls such as us, is a priceless gift to be honored.
An acquaintance of mine once said that to love others fully, you must learn to love yourself. This is a fallacy. I know this, because I love many people with every fiber of my soul. But I also despise myself and the potential I have within me to be wicked. What I do love about myself is the person I am becomming by allowing myself to surrender to the great love of the Creator.
Monday, March 15, 2010
I'm trying to organize my thoughts. I have to get on the ball.
I am getting there and the rebound is going to happen. I guess I've been distracted by life. I stopped using cleaning as an outlet to numb the pain. Now I'm constantly wanting to be with my kids, and around kids. :)
Bitter-sweet, I guess.
Anyways, I'm posting to do some more free writing on my research papers.
College Composition II
My subject for this is AD/HD. This disorder has changed dramatically since it was first "discovered." As a mother, student, and wife with a history of AD/HD as a child, my personal viewpoint is one of acceptance rather than anger. My "disorder" causes me to get distracted quite easily, however not by things you would guess. When I tackle a task, I get very involved in the details. This is espically true in the case of writing. I love to write, I get enjoyment from it. Research papers are one of my favorite things about college because it allows me to exploit my over-attention to minute details. I start by doing very through research and taking detailed notes on each source I plan to use in my paper. As I collect sources, the first thing I do is write out a reference in APA format. I then compile my notes into a rough outline and then a second outline. I carve out the unnecessary info and add more where needed to create a final outline in which I site each point and sub-point according to APA standards.
After the outline is done, I begin the rough draft. I always hand write the rough draft because it allows me to view all my electronic resources without jumpin between fifty different windows. After the initial rough draft is done, I read it out loud to check sentence flow and structure. This also helps to catch grammatical errors before I begin typing the final paper.
Once the old-fashioned editing is done, I begin typing up a rough draft on my computer. I then read through it out loud again to ensure there are no run-on sentences or simple grammatical or spelling errors. Once the paper is revised an I am satisfied (or uninterested) in the paper, I check the formatting and chizzle it down to APA standards. Finally, after I check the formatting, I read the paper out loud AGAIN. This final reading helps me to make sure everything matches Kaplan's standards....and mine too.
Done with the paper, I sit back and relax until my books for the next term come. Then it's back to the academic grindstone.
The down side to all this perfectionism is that it takes me a very, very long time to complete assingments. Because of this, everything seems "last minute."
I am getting there and the rebound is going to happen. I guess I've been distracted by life. I stopped using cleaning as an outlet to numb the pain. Now I'm constantly wanting to be with my kids, and around kids. :)
Bitter-sweet, I guess.
Anyways, I'm posting to do some more free writing on my research papers.
College Composition II
My subject for this is AD/HD. This disorder has changed dramatically since it was first "discovered." As a mother, student, and wife with a history of AD/HD as a child, my personal viewpoint is one of acceptance rather than anger. My "disorder" causes me to get distracted quite easily, however not by things you would guess. When I tackle a task, I get very involved in the details. This is espically true in the case of writing. I love to write, I get enjoyment from it. Research papers are one of my favorite things about college because it allows me to exploit my over-attention to minute details. I start by doing very through research and taking detailed notes on each source I plan to use in my paper. As I collect sources, the first thing I do is write out a reference in APA format. I then compile my notes into a rough outline and then a second outline. I carve out the unnecessary info and add more where needed to create a final outline in which I site each point and sub-point according to APA standards.
After the outline is done, I begin the rough draft. I always hand write the rough draft because it allows me to view all my electronic resources without jumpin between fifty different windows. After the initial rough draft is done, I read it out loud to check sentence flow and structure. This also helps to catch grammatical errors before I begin typing the final paper.
Once the old-fashioned editing is done, I begin typing up a rough draft on my computer. I then read through it out loud again to ensure there are no run-on sentences or simple grammatical or spelling errors. Once the paper is revised an I am satisfied (or uninterested) in the paper, I check the formatting and chizzle it down to APA standards. Finally, after I check the formatting, I read the paper out loud AGAIN. This final reading helps me to make sure everything matches Kaplan's standards....and mine too.
Done with the paper, I sit back and relax until my books for the next term come. Then it's back to the academic grindstone.
The down side to all this perfectionism is that it takes me a very, very long time to complete assingments. Because of this, everything seems "last minute."
a poem
Oh me, oh my, the motivation that did fly high,
drew too near to the sun,
and burned too severly for me to have fun.
When pride and arrogance did set in,
my heart started to blacken from within.
No, I did not lift my eyes,
towards heaven,
past the skys.
No one came to show support,
so crashing down,
came my "inpenetrable" fort.
Like the walls of Jericho,
did it fall,
with less effort, darn it all.
Stupidly, I ran,
and in the darkness did trip and fall.
Then a pinhole of light began to show,
as I saw the burden that I had refused to let go.
Pride as black a coal,
from my soul began to roll.
The pinhole began to rip,
and began to tear,
scattering the darkness elsewhere.
So it was that God did speak,
to my soul,
when again I was weak.
Happiness than began,
to flow from love,
that filled my soul.
My little angel, and my girls,
the positive light,
are the things that help me fight.
***
Just felt like writing a poem.
drew too near to the sun,
and burned too severly for me to have fun.
When pride and arrogance did set in,
my heart started to blacken from within.
No, I did not lift my eyes,
towards heaven,
past the skys.
No one came to show support,
so crashing down,
came my "inpenetrable" fort.
Like the walls of Jericho,
did it fall,
with less effort, darn it all.
Stupidly, I ran,
and in the darkness did trip and fall.
Then a pinhole of light began to show,
as I saw the burden that I had refused to let go.
Pride as black a coal,
from my soul began to roll.
The pinhole began to rip,
and began to tear,
scattering the darkness elsewhere.
So it was that God did speak,
to my soul,
when again I was weak.
Happiness than began,
to flow from love,
that filled my soul.
My little angel, and my girls,
the positive light,
are the things that help me fight.
***
Just felt like writing a poem.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
soul searching
I rearranged my living room today. It feels nice. I am trying to re-arrange my heart after a flood of doubt was depositited into it this last weekend. Had I succombed to it, I would have been lost forever.
In my previous post, there was the voice of a soul in turmoil. Deception was laced in some of my thoughts and I was blinded by an ugly lie. So now I attempt to return to the truth. My nights will still be sleepless for a time, and my mornings filled with fatigue, but I will soon return from this vile darkness. I will soon step back into the light and peace that the Lord has brought to me.
My soul shall seek the Lord, my heart will cry out for him, and once again I will be enveloped in love.
My son is a little over 2 months old now. I still count these stages though his soul is ageless in heaven. I am so proud of my boy. If he was here in my arms, I would be constantly talking about him, and proudly showing him to everyone that crossed my path. That's the way I was with my girls (and still am). So I freely talk about my son when asked. I always say I have two girls and one son...who is an angel.
Some may think I'm trying to brush off the fact that he is gone from this world, but I'm not.
So after a few days of nearly getting lost in darkness, I will return to my rock like the prodical son. I run back to my God in fear asking for mercy and forgiveness. Like David, I return to my Lord and will become victorious.
In my previous post, there was the voice of a soul in turmoil. Deception was laced in some of my thoughts and I was blinded by an ugly lie. So now I attempt to return to the truth. My nights will still be sleepless for a time, and my mornings filled with fatigue, but I will soon return from this vile darkness. I will soon step back into the light and peace that the Lord has brought to me.
My soul shall seek the Lord, my heart will cry out for him, and once again I will be enveloped in love.
My son is a little over 2 months old now. I still count these stages though his soul is ageless in heaven. I am so proud of my boy. If he was here in my arms, I would be constantly talking about him, and proudly showing him to everyone that crossed my path. That's the way I was with my girls (and still am). So I freely talk about my son when asked. I always say I have two girls and one son...who is an angel.
Some may think I'm trying to brush off the fact that he is gone from this world, but I'm not.
So after a few days of nearly getting lost in darkness, I will return to my rock like the prodical son. I run back to my God in fear asking for mercy and forgiveness. Like David, I return to my Lord and will become victorious.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
truth
I was going to post on something school-related today, but I have something else on my mind.
I had a long talk with my brother Omar last night, and I belive that God was using him to reveal the truth of things in the world. Until I had that talk, I was not understanding important things in life in the right way.
God did not take Link from me. God is an artist, we are his works of art, created with love and beauty. What artist wouuld destroy his work? I have spent several hours as of late working on pictures latley. I have never once wanted to destroy my art, because I create it with love. Link was created with so much love from my husband and I, and he was blessed because everyone loved him.
God does not want us to suffer, or to hurt. His love for us is so great that it is beyond anything we could ever understand. When he created us, he saw that it was good. But then something rotten and wicked came into the world and enticed man kind down a path that would only lead to destruction. It was and is an evil that defies our understanding, something so vile and filled with pure hatred that almost nothing can stand in its way.
It was this horrid force that took Link from me. From the moment of it's first appearance in the Garden of Eden, the world has been wrought with pain, suffering, and every kind of hardship known to man. He is the author of pain, the master of misery.
There are clear lines in the world defining who God is and who God isn't. God is the one we turn to when things go bad. He is the one who comforts us in our pain and misery, because he has been there before. He knows our pain and understands it more than we do. God gave me a wonderful son, and he has been helping me to be gracious in sorrrow.
A friend of mine is dying. Though I have known her only a few short years, I have always admired and respected her. She has a wonderful family, and they are also gracious in sorrow. I was given the gift of time, and my friend's daughter exchanged memories. It was very nice, but the best thing about it was seeing the beautiful love that a daughter has for her mother.
I'm sorry this is such a long entry, but it's my favorite homework assingment. I actually get a grade for thiis, can you believe it? I like writing, it is a great stress relief, and honestly, If I was saying all this stuff in a conversation, people would get bored pretty fast. I would be called a jabber jaw.
I had a long talk with my brother Omar last night, and I belive that God was using him to reveal the truth of things in the world. Until I had that talk, I was not understanding important things in life in the right way.
God did not take Link from me. God is an artist, we are his works of art, created with love and beauty. What artist wouuld destroy his work? I have spent several hours as of late working on pictures latley. I have never once wanted to destroy my art, because I create it with love. Link was created with so much love from my husband and I, and he was blessed because everyone loved him.
God does not want us to suffer, or to hurt. His love for us is so great that it is beyond anything we could ever understand. When he created us, he saw that it was good. But then something rotten and wicked came into the world and enticed man kind down a path that would only lead to destruction. It was and is an evil that defies our understanding, something so vile and filled with pure hatred that almost nothing can stand in its way.
It was this horrid force that took Link from me. From the moment of it's first appearance in the Garden of Eden, the world has been wrought with pain, suffering, and every kind of hardship known to man. He is the author of pain, the master of misery.
There are clear lines in the world defining who God is and who God isn't. God is the one we turn to when things go bad. He is the one who comforts us in our pain and misery, because he has been there before. He knows our pain and understands it more than we do. God gave me a wonderful son, and he has been helping me to be gracious in sorrrow.
A friend of mine is dying. Though I have known her only a few short years, I have always admired and respected her. She has a wonderful family, and they are also gracious in sorrow. I was given the gift of time, and my friend's daughter exchanged memories. It was very nice, but the best thing about it was seeing the beautiful love that a daughter has for her mother.
I'm sorry this is such a long entry, but it's my favorite homework assingment. I actually get a grade for thiis, can you believe it? I like writing, it is a great stress relief, and honestly, If I was saying all this stuff in a conversation, people would get bored pretty fast. I would be called a jabber jaw.
Monday, March 1, 2010
My son, this post is for you.
In my short 25 years of existence in this world, no one has had more of an impact on my life than you. There is absolutley nothing negative about the influence you have had and continue to have on my life. Because of the unexpectedness and swiftness with which your angelic presence came and left, my life has transformed. the deep sorrow I have from loosing you can not compare to the immense love I have for you, my love.
Since the moment you graced me with your sweet presence, I have loved you. I looked forward to hearing you cry, to sleepless nights, to milk stains on my shirts, and baby barf, to exhaustion and frustration, but most of all to you. Most of all, I looked forward to seeing your sweet face and gazing into your warm innocent eyes as I let myself get overcome by the love I have for you.
Without you here, there is always something missing. No family moment is complete, because you aren't here. Despite the saddness of it all, I am grateful for the time I had with you. I know that you are in heaven watching me with love. I know that you have a better home than any place on earth could have been. While you were here, my womb was the only home you knew. The comfort I hope I gave you does not compare to the vast love that you are basking in now. The love and wisdom of our Hevanly Father and of our Lord Jesus outshines, outweighs, and completley surpasses everything we could even begin to imagine.
Someday, I will join you. When that day comes, I will be happy and die smiling because at long last I will see your eyes and hear your voice. I'll drink in your smile and tickle your tiny feet. Your sisters and father and any other siblings will know that it is a bittersweet moment, filled with joy because I will be with you.
I may not know God's purpose for taking you so soon, Link, but I know that he is still using you in my life and that your purpose will be continuous throughout my life. I know that somehow, this broken heart of mine is part of God's plan for me and the rest of our little family. What he plans to do with this broken soul of mine, I don't know. I am sure though that it is something great, and that it will have a huge impact on us down here. Link, I asked God to bring it on. I told him with absolute faith that I was ready for the burden he is going to give me, because He will help me through it.
God heard my prayer, Link. Changes are already happening, they are dramatic things that are causing great turmoil and confusion in my soul. But I have to see them through. When the chaos levels rise up in a roaring inferno, I turn to God to restore sanity. This is only the beginning of the lesson I am learning from you, my son.
I have to get to bed. Can you do a favor and say hello to my friends from the nursing home who have recently joined you up there? I have a lot of respect for them, and it was a source of true joy to have the privelege of helping them in the sunset of their lives.
In my short 25 years of existence in this world, no one has had more of an impact on my life than you. There is absolutley nothing negative about the influence you have had and continue to have on my life. Because of the unexpectedness and swiftness with which your angelic presence came and left, my life has transformed. the deep sorrow I have from loosing you can not compare to the immense love I have for you, my love.
Since the moment you graced me with your sweet presence, I have loved you. I looked forward to hearing you cry, to sleepless nights, to milk stains on my shirts, and baby barf, to exhaustion and frustration, but most of all to you. Most of all, I looked forward to seeing your sweet face and gazing into your warm innocent eyes as I let myself get overcome by the love I have for you.
Without you here, there is always something missing. No family moment is complete, because you aren't here. Despite the saddness of it all, I am grateful for the time I had with you. I know that you are in heaven watching me with love. I know that you have a better home than any place on earth could have been. While you were here, my womb was the only home you knew. The comfort I hope I gave you does not compare to the vast love that you are basking in now. The love and wisdom of our Hevanly Father and of our Lord Jesus outshines, outweighs, and completley surpasses everything we could even begin to imagine.
Someday, I will join you. When that day comes, I will be happy and die smiling because at long last I will see your eyes and hear your voice. I'll drink in your smile and tickle your tiny feet. Your sisters and father and any other siblings will know that it is a bittersweet moment, filled with joy because I will be with you.
I may not know God's purpose for taking you so soon, Link, but I know that he is still using you in my life and that your purpose will be continuous throughout my life. I know that somehow, this broken heart of mine is part of God's plan for me and the rest of our little family. What he plans to do with this broken soul of mine, I don't know. I am sure though that it is something great, and that it will have a huge impact on us down here. Link, I asked God to bring it on. I told him with absolute faith that I was ready for the burden he is going to give me, because He will help me through it.
God heard my prayer, Link. Changes are already happening, they are dramatic things that are causing great turmoil and confusion in my soul. But I have to see them through. When the chaos levels rise up in a roaring inferno, I turn to God to restore sanity. This is only the beginning of the lesson I am learning from you, my son.
I have to get to bed. Can you do a favor and say hello to my friends from the nursing home who have recently joined you up there? I have a lot of respect for them, and it was a source of true joy to have the privelege of helping them in the sunset of their lives.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Sad Gratitude
Last night, as I was out back smoking a cigarette with my husband, my little angel came into my mind. My train of thoughts about him could not be redirected. As always, I ended up dwelling on how immensly I love him. I began to sway gently from side-to-side in the same way I did when he was with me. At that moment, the part of me that I have tried to force to be numb since January became red and inflammed with the pain of longing.
The little sensations of kicks of silent protest he used to give me, were so well remembered that I could've sworn he was still there. I used to rock him gently like that, talking and singing to him in moments where the world would fade around us and all that existed was a mother and her only son. It was at those times where I would wish I could see through the bulging, stretched skin into my uterus, so I could see his face.
On the day he passed away, I spent the night as a walking coffin at home. But I'm glad I got those last precious moments of pregnancy, even if his soul wasn't there. Because it was the last time he was so physically close to me, and it was a special good-bye.
Link has changed me forever, for the better. His death, which was only a solitary moment in his life, is continually outweighed by his life and the sheer joy we experienced together in every moment. So the fact that he died, and is not here with me physically, is bitter-sweet. Bitter because he and I can not enjoy the same kind of relationship I have with my daughters, sweet because he changed my very perception of reality and of all the things in my life. Though he was here so briefly, the very fact that he was here changed everything in my life. I feel I am turning into a more empathetic and caring person as a result of loosing him. I see positive changes where, before, only thistles existed. The growth of my new personna is amazing and is a prettier plant, with more grace.
If Link hadn't died, that would've been wonderful. I wish every moment that he was here with his sisters, father, and I; they feel the same way. But because he did pass away, I began to search for God again. God has made his love and comfort extremely clear. He is the reason I am able to carry on and not let grief overcome my soul. Any strength, physical, emotional, or otherwise, is only because it is given to me graciously. I can not take credit for any of it, to do so would be....plagiarizing.... and badly. So when I think about my son, and the impact he has on my life, I am grateful. It is a beautiful mix of gratitude combined with sorrow, with a core of pure love.
Sorry...I tend to rant. Thanks for reading.
The little sensations of kicks of silent protest he used to give me, were so well remembered that I could've sworn he was still there. I used to rock him gently like that, talking and singing to him in moments where the world would fade around us and all that existed was a mother and her only son. It was at those times where I would wish I could see through the bulging, stretched skin into my uterus, so I could see his face.
On the day he passed away, I spent the night as a walking coffin at home. But I'm glad I got those last precious moments of pregnancy, even if his soul wasn't there. Because it was the last time he was so physically close to me, and it was a special good-bye.
Link has changed me forever, for the better. His death, which was only a solitary moment in his life, is continually outweighed by his life and the sheer joy we experienced together in every moment. So the fact that he died, and is not here with me physically, is bitter-sweet. Bitter because he and I can not enjoy the same kind of relationship I have with my daughters, sweet because he changed my very perception of reality and of all the things in my life. Though he was here so briefly, the very fact that he was here changed everything in my life. I feel I am turning into a more empathetic and caring person as a result of loosing him. I see positive changes where, before, only thistles existed. The growth of my new personna is amazing and is a prettier plant, with more grace.
If Link hadn't died, that would've been wonderful. I wish every moment that he was here with his sisters, father, and I; they feel the same way. But because he did pass away, I began to search for God again. God has made his love and comfort extremely clear. He is the reason I am able to carry on and not let grief overcome my soul. Any strength, physical, emotional, or otherwise, is only because it is given to me graciously. I can not take credit for any of it, to do so would be....plagiarizing.... and badly. So when I think about my son, and the impact he has on my life, I am grateful. It is a beautiful mix of gratitude combined with sorrow, with a core of pure love.
Sorry...I tend to rant. Thanks for reading.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Learning After Loss
I am supposed to post something on my blog this week. I think I'll write about being in college online.
I've been with Kaplan University since March 2009. It's a decent university. I guess I have nothing to compare it to, since I've never been in any other college; but it's pretty nice. It took a while to get used to, but I'm making it.
Kaplan has a nice thing they do if you're in the Honor Roll. Every term you pass with acceptable honor-rol grades, they send you a certificate. I have at least three now. In the aftermath of loosing my son, it's hard to get things done. I'm more emotional than I used to be, and less focused. I took a three month leave of absence towards the end of my pregnancy, so I would have ample time to become accustomed to having three children.
The Lord had other plans and it turned out the leave of absence was still just as necessary. After three months away from such a rigourous education schedule, however, it's hard to adjust. I go in and out of keeping a to do list and schedules, and things have been "last minute." I know I will get back on track, but it will take time. My goal for this term is to pass with grades that maintain my status as an Honor Roll student.
I feel overwhelmed a lot though. I have house-hold duties, two active children, a husband, a cat, and work. Then there is coursework. It has been so hard this week to have to tell my children I have to do school work instead of play. I've also been sick this week and there were two days where I could not do anything. My husband had to stay home from work because I couldn't even care for my girls.
Now it's a rush to get two projects done, discussion boards, and prepare for the next unit. I also have to fit in a work-out routine, in order to keep my promise to Link.
I've been with Kaplan University since March 2009. It's a decent university. I guess I have nothing to compare it to, since I've never been in any other college; but it's pretty nice. It took a while to get used to, but I'm making it.
Kaplan has a nice thing they do if you're in the Honor Roll. Every term you pass with acceptable honor-rol grades, they send you a certificate. I have at least three now. In the aftermath of loosing my son, it's hard to get things done. I'm more emotional than I used to be, and less focused. I took a three month leave of absence towards the end of my pregnancy, so I would have ample time to become accustomed to having three children.
The Lord had other plans and it turned out the leave of absence was still just as necessary. After three months away from such a rigourous education schedule, however, it's hard to adjust. I go in and out of keeping a to do list and schedules, and things have been "last minute." I know I will get back on track, but it will take time. My goal for this term is to pass with grades that maintain my status as an Honor Roll student.
I feel overwhelmed a lot though. I have house-hold duties, two active children, a husband, a cat, and work. Then there is coursework. It has been so hard this week to have to tell my children I have to do school work instead of play. I've also been sick this week and there were two days where I could not do anything. My husband had to stay home from work because I couldn't even care for my girls.
Now it's a rush to get two projects done, discussion boards, and prepare for the next unit. I also have to fit in a work-out routine, in order to keep my promise to Link.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
staying in line
I've been slacking. For the last week and a half, I've been forgetting to make my to-do lists. They really make a difference, you know. I work, have two living children, a husband, house work, and school work. If I slack off for even one day, I see a huge difference in the way the house looks, the way the kids act, and the length of my attention span.
It may seem like a trivial thing, but if I don't stay on top of things, I am defaulting on part of my promise to Link. Another thing I'm a bit worried about is finding the time to complete the community service requirements for staying in the honor roll. I was thinking about signing up for church clean up. In that way, I'd be helping my church while keeping my requirements up.
In other news, I finally got the information for my sponsored child in Chile. Little Gillian is a beautiful 3 year old. Her father is only 18 and her mother is only 17. They've got a hard life. I hope that my sponsorship is actually helping. If she ever gets a sibling, I'll seriously consider sponsoring that child too. Aside from the monthly sponsorship fee, I also send her money for her birthday and other holidays.
Well, that's about all for now, I've got a list of things to continue on with.
It may seem like a trivial thing, but if I don't stay on top of things, I am defaulting on part of my promise to Link. Another thing I'm a bit worried about is finding the time to complete the community service requirements for staying in the honor roll. I was thinking about signing up for church clean up. In that way, I'd be helping my church while keeping my requirements up.
In other news, I finally got the information for my sponsored child in Chile. Little Gillian is a beautiful 3 year old. Her father is only 18 and her mother is only 17. They've got a hard life. I hope that my sponsorship is actually helping. If she ever gets a sibling, I'll seriously consider sponsoring that child too. Aside from the monthly sponsorship fee, I also send her money for her birthday and other holidays.
Well, that's about all for now, I've got a list of things to continue on with.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Research Tied to Life
I'm doing research on something pertaining to homeschooling for our College Composition II class. See, I am seriously considering homeschooling my daughters for most of their educational childhood. In this way, I can give them a wholesome, positive environment in which to grow and learn.
Now, you might be wondering how this pertains to anything healthcare or medically related. I'm sure you've heard of ADD and ADHD, right? Well, when I was a child, I was diagnosed with ADD. So my goal is to find out how beneficial homeschooling is to children with ADD. I want to know which environment will be better for my daughter, who I'm sure has ADD.
By combining my genuine interest in this matter with academic course requirements, I am tackling two things at once. First, my thirst for knowledge about homeschooling children with ADD will be satisfied, and the research for my final project will be completed. The benifit of this combination is that my passion and enthusiasism for this topic will motivate me to complete the project with extra attention to detail. I will become well-versed in the subject, and my writing in the paper will carry the tone of confidence in a job well done.
Now, you might be wondering how this pertains to anything healthcare or medically related. I'm sure you've heard of ADD and ADHD, right? Well, when I was a child, I was diagnosed with ADD. So my goal is to find out how beneficial homeschooling is to children with ADD. I want to know which environment will be better for my daughter, who I'm sure has ADD.
By combining my genuine interest in this matter with academic course requirements, I am tackling two things at once. First, my thirst for knowledge about homeschooling children with ADD will be satisfied, and the research for my final project will be completed. The benifit of this combination is that my passion and enthusiasism for this topic will motivate me to complete the project with extra attention to detail. I will become well-versed in the subject, and my writing in the paper will carry the tone of confidence in a job well done.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Patience the hard way.
Dueteronomy 30:20
"Choose to love the Lord your God, and to obey Him and cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days. You will then be able to live safely in the land the Lord promised your ancestors, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob."
Psalm 139:11-18
"If I try to hide in darkness, the night becomes light around me. For even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your workmanship is marvelous---and how well I know it. You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion! You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book. How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly! I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me. And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me!"
Life and creation, in all it's forms is so precious. As a mother blessed with three beautiful children, one of the most precious forms of life can be seen daily. Each one of my children was crafted perfectly by God in my womb. Each pregnancy was a blessing and a gift.
Women were given the amazing gift of being able to bear children; to nuture human life in it's purest and most innocent form. I can not tell you with words how amazing that is to me. I was allowed to carry the body and soul of another human being within my own body. I see that as a great privelege, a special honor bestowed upon me by God.
So my children, all of them, are more precious to me than wealth, fame, and even my own life. Knowing this, why is it that I have started smoking again? I wish I knew the answer. I just know, that since last night, I realized how horribly I am desecrating my body by smoking. It's like taking a crap on God's creation. I think I'll quit again.
Part of the promise I made to Link was to be healthy so that hopefully, God would give me the oppertunity to hold another newborn of my own. I know that I took for granted the time I was given with Link and didn't realize 'til I lost him how precious every moment of a pregnancy is. From conception to the day they die, my children are precious to me. They are beautiful gifts from the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg.
I took for granted the complexity and miracle of pregnancy. I took for granted the fact that it was truly an honor to carry my son. I can not believe my ignorance, my failure to realize how quickly he could be taken from me. I pray that if ever I am given the honor of carrying another baby, that I will be patient enough to throughly enjoy every blessed moment and not be in a rush to give birth (no matter how uncomfortable I am). I pray that I will have the peice of mind to let nature take it's course, and not do things like get my membranes stripped.....
I have become more patient since loosing Link. I have become less judgmental and more thankful for every day. He has taught me the frailty of human life and that life can only be lived to the fullest if it is being lived for the Lord.
"Choose to love the Lord your God, and to obey Him and cling to Him, for He is your life and the length of your days. You will then be able to live safely in the land the Lord promised your ancestors, Abraham, Issac, and Jacob."
Psalm 139:11-18
"If I try to hide in darkness, the night becomes light around me. For even darkness cannot hide from God; to you the night shines bright as day. Darkness and light are both alike to you. You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body, and knit them together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your workmanship is marvelous---and how well I know it. You were there while I was being formed in utter seclusion! You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your book. How precious it is, Lord, to realize that you are thinking about me constantly! I can't even count how many times a day your thoughts turn towards me. And when I waken in the morning, you are still thinking of me!"
Life and creation, in all it's forms is so precious. As a mother blessed with three beautiful children, one of the most precious forms of life can be seen daily. Each one of my children was crafted perfectly by God in my womb. Each pregnancy was a blessing and a gift.
Women were given the amazing gift of being able to bear children; to nuture human life in it's purest and most innocent form. I can not tell you with words how amazing that is to me. I was allowed to carry the body and soul of another human being within my own body. I see that as a great privelege, a special honor bestowed upon me by God.
So my children, all of them, are more precious to me than wealth, fame, and even my own life. Knowing this, why is it that I have started smoking again? I wish I knew the answer. I just know, that since last night, I realized how horribly I am desecrating my body by smoking. It's like taking a crap on God's creation. I think I'll quit again.
Part of the promise I made to Link was to be healthy so that hopefully, God would give me the oppertunity to hold another newborn of my own. I know that I took for granted the time I was given with Link and didn't realize 'til I lost him how precious every moment of a pregnancy is. From conception to the day they die, my children are precious to me. They are beautiful gifts from the moment the sperm fertilizes the egg.
I took for granted the complexity and miracle of pregnancy. I took for granted the fact that it was truly an honor to carry my son. I can not believe my ignorance, my failure to realize how quickly he could be taken from me. I pray that if ever I am given the honor of carrying another baby, that I will be patient enough to throughly enjoy every blessed moment and not be in a rush to give birth (no matter how uncomfortable I am). I pray that I will have the peice of mind to let nature take it's course, and not do things like get my membranes stripped.....
I have become more patient since loosing Link. I have become less judgmental and more thankful for every day. He has taught me the frailty of human life and that life can only be lived to the fullest if it is being lived for the Lord.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Lessons from Laundry
I was doing laundry today and something hit me. It was out of no where, and it was wonderful. There is love in death. I believe that when I die, then in an instant, my soul will go to the same place my soon resides now; I will be completley gone from this world and only a shell made of dust will remain. None-the-less, the act of death has a tremendous inpact in every way on the people involved in the deceased's life.
Well what the laundry taught me about death and life was the beauty of how intertwinded life and death are. I was hanging up my clothes to dry on a drying rack, and I was amazed how many pairs of socks and underwear, and other small articles of clothing took up space compared to the relativley small amount of space on the rack that the larger clothing items took up. It made me realize the importance of small things in our lives, and how often we take them for granted. Can you imagine your wardrobe without underwear or socks? Pretty ridiculous and non-functional if you ask me.
In the same way the "little" things in other areas of our life are taken for granted, until we loose them. This is how there is the possibility for there to be love in death. Link's death is making me realize just how much I really love everyone in my life, how precious the people in my life are. I can not imagine my life without the residents in the nursing home I provide care for; every single elderly person I have cared for has impacted my personal life in a positive way, even in their death. I can not imagine my life without my children, because more than anything in life, they are most precious to me. Life without my husband, my brother, my mother, co-workers, and cat----everything God has blessed me with---would not be anywhere near as enjoyable as it is now without the personalities they were given.
I truly love these people--and my cat--for who they are. I would not ask them to be anyone other than themselves, with all their flaws; because if I did that, the some part of the beauty and wonder in my life would be gone forever. Yes, there are times when I complain that I wish someone would change someone in their personality, but I never truly mean it (unless that factor brings harm to themselves or others).
Even the guy that lived on my couch for a year, is important. This man annoyed every fiber of my being 90% of the time he was here. He had some gross habits, and did not really practice the best hygiene. When he finally stopped living with us, I swore that I would never, never, NEVER let him live with us ever again. Today I realized that if he truly needed somewhere to go, and had absolutley no where else he could go, I would not be able to turn him away.
So when remember the little things about the loved ones that have passed on, you start to notice the little things about other people that you love. Suddenly, your world becomes beautiful beyond measure, because you finally start to realize how much love you actually have in your life. You finally realize how much God has blessed you. That is what the laundry taught me today.
Well what the laundry taught me about death and life was the beauty of how intertwinded life and death are. I was hanging up my clothes to dry on a drying rack, and I was amazed how many pairs of socks and underwear, and other small articles of clothing took up space compared to the relativley small amount of space on the rack that the larger clothing items took up. It made me realize the importance of small things in our lives, and how often we take them for granted. Can you imagine your wardrobe without underwear or socks? Pretty ridiculous and non-functional if you ask me.
In the same way the "little" things in other areas of our life are taken for granted, until we loose them. This is how there is the possibility for there to be love in death. Link's death is making me realize just how much I really love everyone in my life, how precious the people in my life are. I can not imagine my life without the residents in the nursing home I provide care for; every single elderly person I have cared for has impacted my personal life in a positive way, even in their death. I can not imagine my life without my children, because more than anything in life, they are most precious to me. Life without my husband, my brother, my mother, co-workers, and cat----everything God has blessed me with---would not be anywhere near as enjoyable as it is now without the personalities they were given.
I truly love these people--and my cat--for who they are. I would not ask them to be anyone other than themselves, with all their flaws; because if I did that, the some part of the beauty and wonder in my life would be gone forever. Yes, there are times when I complain that I wish someone would change someone in their personality, but I never truly mean it (unless that factor brings harm to themselves or others).
Even the guy that lived on my couch for a year, is important. This man annoyed every fiber of my being 90% of the time he was here. He had some gross habits, and did not really practice the best hygiene. When he finally stopped living with us, I swore that I would never, never, NEVER let him live with us ever again. Today I realized that if he truly needed somewhere to go, and had absolutley no where else he could go, I would not be able to turn him away.
So when remember the little things about the loved ones that have passed on, you start to notice the little things about other people that you love. Suddenly, your world becomes beautiful beyond measure, because you finally start to realize how much love you actually have in your life. You finally realize how much God has blessed you. That is what the laundry taught me today.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I coppied myself, with a reference!
Aside from this blog, I also write on another site called http://www.dailystrength.com/ . I'm on there as linksmama. Today mark Link's first month of age. Last night I had an experience that brought me great comfort. I wanted to share it here as well, so I copied it from there. At the risk of being accused of "plaigiarizing" I will include a reference in APA format.
Revelation 22:17
"The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come.' Let each one who hears them say the same, 'Come.' Let the thirsty one come---anyone who wants to; let him come and drink the Water of Life without charge."
My son is drinking the water of life. He is in the arms of Jesus, safe and secure.
Last night I was outside smoking a ciggarette and talking to Link. I said to him, "Link, I love you and I miss you. I want you to know that if you ever feel like comming around here and letting me know you are here, you are more than welcome."
No sooner had I said that then I heard a coyote howl and a gentle winter breeze blow across my face. In one game in the series of Zelda games, there is a wolf. You get to play as a wolf during certain parts of the game. The main character in the game is named Link. Link turns into a wolf and can even howl.
I believe my baby boy was talking to me on the very anniversary of his death. I know he loves me like I love him. My precious angel is truly watching me.
Reference:
Sayyah, H. (2010, Jan 6). Link's Presence, God's Love. Linksmama, Journal. Retrieved January 6, 2010 from DailyStrength.org : http://www.dailystrength.org/people/462163/journal
Revelation 22:17
"The Spirit and the bride say, 'Come.' Let each one who hears them say the same, 'Come.' Let the thirsty one come---anyone who wants to; let him come and drink the Water of Life without charge."
My son is drinking the water of life. He is in the arms of Jesus, safe and secure.
Last night I was outside smoking a ciggarette and talking to Link. I said to him, "Link, I love you and I miss you. I want you to know that if you ever feel like comming around here and letting me know you are here, you are more than welcome."
No sooner had I said that then I heard a coyote howl and a gentle winter breeze blow across my face. In one game in the series of Zelda games, there is a wolf. You get to play as a wolf during certain parts of the game. The main character in the game is named Link. Link turns into a wolf and can even howl.
I believe my baby boy was talking to me on the very anniversary of his death. I know he loves me like I love him. My precious angel is truly watching me.
Reference:
Sayyah, H. (2010, Jan 6). Link's Presence, God's Love. Linksmama, Journal. Retrieved January 6, 2010 from DailyStrength.org : http://www.dailystrength.org/people/462163/journal
Today is going to be a long day. Aside from my household duties and school work, I have appointments to keep and errands to run. My husband wants to start a business venture, and I have to help him with that. I have to do the research for him.
Link would be one month old today. Yesterday, to honor his memory, I decided to sponsor a child through Children International. I'll be getting that information fairly soon in the mail.
I'm also waiting for my creamation pendants. I want to be able to take Link with me where ever I go, and that will be the way to do it.
Link would be one month old today. Yesterday, to honor his memory, I decided to sponsor a child through Children International. I'll be getting that information fairly soon in the mail.
I'm also waiting for my creamation pendants. I want to be able to take Link with me where ever I go, and that will be the way to do it.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Revisiting January 5th and 6th
Today is the one month anniversary of Link's death. One month ago today, my little boy was called home to be with God. That was a horrible day for me, the dreams I had of raising a little boy were shattered in an instant. My husband and I shared sorrow and disbelief, holding eachother in our tears.
Afther the clinic confirmed his death, I was scheduled to be induced to deliver my dead child the next morning. I was sent home a walking coffin. When I got home, I gave my girls more hugs and kisses than they knew what to with. They knew I was sad, but they didn't know why because I couldn't bring myself to tell them yet. That night I couldn't sleep, though I tried. I kept praying to God, pleading with him that all of this was a misunderstanding and that my baby would start moving again.
I gave up on sleep and started cleaning and doing laundry. At the hospital, we were admitted at the same time as another pregnant woman. I tried my best to act as if nothing was wrong, but I couldn't do anything except frown. When we got to the room where I would deliver my son, I broke down again. I was started on progesterone and then the wait began. When the contractions started getting more difficult, I requested my epidural. I was determined not to feel anything because I was not going to give birth to a live child.
Shortly before the time came to push, the epidural wore off and there was no point in administering more. So I felt every contraction, felt the "ring of fire." It was horrible, the pain was two-fold because there was so much emotional pain there too. I yelled out loud, to no one in particular, "It's not fair, it's not fair! He's dead, he's dead! I shouldn't have to feel this pain!"
After maybe five or ten minutes of pushing, my son came out, and as with the birth of his siblings, the physical pain went away. I saw his beautiful face, and couldn't help but smile. My love for him intensified beyond belief, and it was the same love I felt when his sisters were born. It was a moment filled with sorrow and joy. Finally, I was able to see my little man.
He was 7lbs, 7oz, much smaller than his sister Serenity, who was 9 lbs. He was more precious than I ever imagined, and looked more like his father than I had thought. He had the softest brown hair, and the most adorable little feet. I was so amazed at his beauty and perfection. After he had been cleaned up a little, I held him for the longest time, taking in every feature. Finally I decided the time had come for me to let him go. Tearfully, I asked the nurse to dress him in the outfit I had picked for him and the hat I made for him. After she did this, she handed him back to me. I held him and talked to him for a while longer, then gave him to the nurse who cradled him gently in her arms and carried him out of the room.
My husband and I consoled eachother and cried together for the one millionth time. Then he had to go home because he had to get back to take care of the girls. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital alone. At first I was unable to sleep because of my sorrow, and then my body finally surrendered to exhaustion. In that sleep, my son came to me. He was alive and well. His beautiful brown eyes sparkled with joy as he kicked and wiggled. There was a sense of great peace where he was, and he seemed happy. Along with the peace and tranquility, there was the understanding that it was not my fault and I knew he loved me dearly. I wanted to stay there with him so badly, but I woke up.
I know that my son is in the arms of the Lord. I know that he loves me. I know that I will see him agian, but for now, I need to fulfill my promise to him. If only I rely on the Lord, I will keep this promise.
Afther the clinic confirmed his death, I was scheduled to be induced to deliver my dead child the next morning. I was sent home a walking coffin. When I got home, I gave my girls more hugs and kisses than they knew what to with. They knew I was sad, but they didn't know why because I couldn't bring myself to tell them yet. That night I couldn't sleep, though I tried. I kept praying to God, pleading with him that all of this was a misunderstanding and that my baby would start moving again.
I gave up on sleep and started cleaning and doing laundry. At the hospital, we were admitted at the same time as another pregnant woman. I tried my best to act as if nothing was wrong, but I couldn't do anything except frown. When we got to the room where I would deliver my son, I broke down again. I was started on progesterone and then the wait began. When the contractions started getting more difficult, I requested my epidural. I was determined not to feel anything because I was not going to give birth to a live child.
Shortly before the time came to push, the epidural wore off and there was no point in administering more. So I felt every contraction, felt the "ring of fire." It was horrible, the pain was two-fold because there was so much emotional pain there too. I yelled out loud, to no one in particular, "It's not fair, it's not fair! He's dead, he's dead! I shouldn't have to feel this pain!"
After maybe five or ten minutes of pushing, my son came out, and as with the birth of his siblings, the physical pain went away. I saw his beautiful face, and couldn't help but smile. My love for him intensified beyond belief, and it was the same love I felt when his sisters were born. It was a moment filled with sorrow and joy. Finally, I was able to see my little man.
He was 7lbs, 7oz, much smaller than his sister Serenity, who was 9 lbs. He was more precious than I ever imagined, and looked more like his father than I had thought. He had the softest brown hair, and the most adorable little feet. I was so amazed at his beauty and perfection. After he had been cleaned up a little, I held him for the longest time, taking in every feature. Finally I decided the time had come for me to let him go. Tearfully, I asked the nurse to dress him in the outfit I had picked for him and the hat I made for him. After she did this, she handed him back to me. I held him and talked to him for a while longer, then gave him to the nurse who cradled him gently in her arms and carried him out of the room.
My husband and I consoled eachother and cried together for the one millionth time. Then he had to go home because he had to get back to take care of the girls. I spent the rest of the night in the hospital alone. At first I was unable to sleep because of my sorrow, and then my body finally surrendered to exhaustion. In that sleep, my son came to me. He was alive and well. His beautiful brown eyes sparkled with joy as he kicked and wiggled. There was a sense of great peace where he was, and he seemed happy. Along with the peace and tranquility, there was the understanding that it was not my fault and I knew he loved me dearly. I wanted to stay there with him so badly, but I woke up.
I know that my son is in the arms of the Lord. I know that he loves me. I know that I will see him agian, but for now, I need to fulfill my promise to him. If only I rely on the Lord, I will keep this promise.
memorial for Link
I want to do something special to honor my son. Like donate to a charity in his name. I will figure something out. I thought about sponsoring a child through children international or something.
I just want everyone to know I have a son, even though he's in heaven.
Here's a picture of my girls. This is an old picture, but it's one of my favorite photos.
I just want everyone to know I have a son, even though he's in heaven.
Here's a picture of my girls. This is an old picture, but it's one of my favorite photos.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
I'm excited about shool. Despite everything, I feel excitement. I'm amazed that I can feel anything at all....
I tried to get into the KU library to get my reading assingments, but since I'm returning from LOA, I can't get in for some reason. I went on LOA so that I would have a break when I gave birth, thinking that I was going to have a newborn to care for in addition to my girls. Sometimes things don't work out the way I plan.
This term at Kaplan, I'm taking College Composition II and Anatomy and Physiology II. Anatomy is my second honors class. I was looking at the final project requirements and I hope I can rise to the challenge, as long as I remember to pray.
If you are a classmate and reading this blog, please be advised that I use writing to express my emotions freely. There may be posts with scripture in them, there may be posts where I seem completley depressed. I may post pictures of my son, who is in the arms of the Lord. If this bothers you, then I will ask you respectfully not to read my blog and not to post hurtful remarks. Such remarks will be deleted and reported; I do not need to have my emotions assulted by people I do not know on a personal basis.
I apologize if I seem defensive, but I am going through something extremely difficult.
In other news, I just got a call from the school that my oldest daughter is shivering. This makes me laugh because Trin likes to fake shivering. She will make her teeth chatter and make her shivering noise. She does this at home all the time. I know she's faking because the rest of her body isn't shivering. She is such a weird child, but I love her more every day. My children, all three of them, are my joy in life. You may ask, how can your son be a joy in your life? Well, the answer is simple. I had him with me for nine precious months. When I finally got to see his beautiful face, I still loved him and was proud of his beauty.
He brings me joy because when he was alive, he had such a sweet playful personality. The memories I have of him are priceless and they make me smile through the pain.
I tried to get into the KU library to get my reading assingments, but since I'm returning from LOA, I can't get in for some reason. I went on LOA so that I would have a break when I gave birth, thinking that I was going to have a newborn to care for in addition to my girls. Sometimes things don't work out the way I plan.
This term at Kaplan, I'm taking College Composition II and Anatomy and Physiology II. Anatomy is my second honors class. I was looking at the final project requirements and I hope I can rise to the challenge, as long as I remember to pray.
If you are a classmate and reading this blog, please be advised that I use writing to express my emotions freely. There may be posts with scripture in them, there may be posts where I seem completley depressed. I may post pictures of my son, who is in the arms of the Lord. If this bothers you, then I will ask you respectfully not to read my blog and not to post hurtful remarks. Such remarks will be deleted and reported; I do not need to have my emotions assulted by people I do not know on a personal basis.
I apologize if I seem defensive, but I am going through something extremely difficult.
In other news, I just got a call from the school that my oldest daughter is shivering. This makes me laugh because Trin likes to fake shivering. She will make her teeth chatter and make her shivering noise. She does this at home all the time. I know she's faking because the rest of her body isn't shivering. She is such a weird child, but I love her more every day. My children, all three of them, are my joy in life. You may ask, how can your son be a joy in your life? Well, the answer is simple. I had him with me for nine precious months. When I finally got to see his beautiful face, I still loved him and was proud of his beauty.
He brings me joy because when he was alive, he had such a sweet playful personality. The memories I have of him are priceless and they make me smile through the pain.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
When I gave birth to my son I made a big promise as I held his lifeless little body. I promised him that I would do my best to be strong for his sisters and for Justin. I promised him that I would make a real effort to take better care of myself, the house, and my girls. I also promised him that I would finish school and do my best to eventually own a house.
Link passed away while I was still carrying him on January 5, 2010. He was stillborn the next day. He died because his umbilical cord had gotten wound tightly around his neck. He died six days before I was going to get induced to have him.
Since the Lord called him home, every day has been a struggle. I struggle against the urge to cry at random times. I struggle to show genuine joy during moments that should be filled with laughter. I fight to bottle up the pain, but it spills out at night when the house is silent and my family sleeps.
I seek the Lord to find peace, and often find it there. There are times when it seems God is trying to distance himself, and those moments are the hardest. Really, it's me causing the distance because my hurting heart becomes hard. But eventually, his love penetrates and I feel his comfort.
Before I lost my son, I was foolish in my assumptions and my vision was clouded with ignorant pride. I assummed that I was going to give birth to a living child. I assummed that nothing bad would ever happen to him because I always had healthy pregnancies. I assummed too much.
I feel like a part of me died with Link, and that the emptiness will never be replaced. Despite the fact that he was stillborn, I still felt the same unstoppable rush of love for him that I felt when I delivered my girls. He was perfect and beautiful. It was one of those bitter-sweet moments of life.
Someday, I will get to hold my son. On that day, he will be alive and healthy, I will hear his voice and get to look into his eyes for the first time. On that day, I will praise and give thanks to God for his wonderful faithfulness and love. Link is in a place now where he knows no pain, no sorrow, no hate. He is in the arms of Jesus, the best arms to be.
Link passed away while I was still carrying him on January 5, 2010. He was stillborn the next day. He died because his umbilical cord had gotten wound tightly around his neck. He died six days before I was going to get induced to have him.
Since the Lord called him home, every day has been a struggle. I struggle against the urge to cry at random times. I struggle to show genuine joy during moments that should be filled with laughter. I fight to bottle up the pain, but it spills out at night when the house is silent and my family sleeps.
I seek the Lord to find peace, and often find it there. There are times when it seems God is trying to distance himself, and those moments are the hardest. Really, it's me causing the distance because my hurting heart becomes hard. But eventually, his love penetrates and I feel his comfort.
Before I lost my son, I was foolish in my assumptions and my vision was clouded with ignorant pride. I assummed that I was going to give birth to a living child. I assummed that nothing bad would ever happen to him because I always had healthy pregnancies. I assummed too much.
I feel like a part of me died with Link, and that the emptiness will never be replaced. Despite the fact that he was stillborn, I still felt the same unstoppable rush of love for him that I felt when I delivered my girls. He was perfect and beautiful. It was one of those bitter-sweet moments of life.
Someday, I will get to hold my son. On that day, he will be alive and healthy, I will hear his voice and get to look into his eyes for the first time. On that day, I will praise and give thanks to God for his wonderful faithfulness and love. Link is in a place now where he knows no pain, no sorrow, no hate. He is in the arms of Jesus, the best arms to be.
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